Things CO Jenkins is no longer allowed to do on CC

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

Preface: Check out Skippy's List and Things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG. Because hey, we can do this too, can't we? Will come in installments of 25.

 

 

1. I may not address any member of Command as a "Comdom" during official communications, no matter how true it may be;

2. I no longer have the authority to fire anyone on the grounds of their perceived stupidity, regardless of whether or not it's actually true;

I may not bribe other Central Command officials into doing it for me with things I found going through internal communication logs;

I may no longer access internal communication logs five access levels above my own just because the Superintendent left the password written on a post-it;

Red Level Emergency Response Teams are not an adequate response to the Captain losing his energy gun;

Telling a newly hired Engineer to "wing it" is not an appropriate response when questioned about Singularity Containment Procedures, no matter how hilarious the results;

Even though company policy allows it, I may no longer tell the Representative to "inspect the clown's level of humor";

Nor am I allowed to tell the Head of Security to do the same;

I may no longer send food shipments to the station that contain any of the following: tacos, enchiladas, cabbages, potatoes, any kind of alcoholic beverage, fruit or toddlers;

"They were taking too long" is not an appropriate reason to scramble a Gamma Level Emergency Response Team ten minutes into the shift;

A.L.I.C.E. is not my personal PDA;

I may not offer "premium tours" of Central Command in exchange for cash payments;

I may not scare the interns by telling them anything verifiably true about the Cyberiad;

I may not tell freshly minted Representatives "God help you" or any variation thereof;

I may not respond to direct Communications Console Messages with "I don't see a stamp here";

Even though company policy allows it, I may no longer ask the Bartender to mix me a drink, then take one of the shuttles to go get it;

I am no longer allowed within fifty feet of the High-Precision Bluespace Needle Array, even if I did manage to tap a beer keg without calibrating it the first time;

I may no longer ask Jayson Hawke if he "goes Commando";

Even though company policy allows it, I am no longer authorized to give the Bluespace RnD Division anything that could potentially create a localized temporal distortion;

I may not refer to the Cult of Nar-Sie as "the emo kids with the weird scribbly things" in official communications;

Similarly, I may not refer to Vampires as "bloodsuckers with an attitude";

Even though company policy allows it, I may no longer ask the Chief Medical Officer to "make us an Übermensch";

RIG Suits are highly experimental, expensive prototype technology, not "privacy suits";

I may not shut down Telecomms again because the crew wouldn't shut up about pizzas;

I may not refer to the Chaplain's deity as "Space Jesus", unless their deity actually is Space Jesus

 

 

[Adrkiller59]

 

26. I may not suggest using a live space carp as an "automated precision surgery tool"

27. I will stop telling the new employees that mints are miracle anti-fat pills.

28. Strapping a laser pointer to a laser rifle does not double it's firepower.

28.a. Strapping a laser pointer to an energy sword doesnt make it larger.

29. I will not launch an escape pod to use it as hiding spot to nap on the job.

30. Hearing alien whispers should be inmediately reported, and not used as excuse to start leaping at co-workers.

31. Greytidean is not a real language.

32. I may not light matches using my kidan co-worker's chittin.

33. I may not use the words "Goliath jousting" and "Gravity lance" in the same paragraph.

34. I will not conceal a "whoopsie cushion" in Jayson Hawke's beret.

34.a. I will not conceal a "whoopsie cushion" in Jayson Hawke's boot soles.

34.b. Whoopsie cushions are now considered contraband.

35. I may not name my personal weapon "Wand of Fire Beams +3"

36. Snorting confiscated powdered soul shards does not grant wizard powers.

37. Ingesting xenomorph biological materials will be its own punishment.

38. I may not refer to the Gravitational Singularity as "galactic toilet".

39. I may not use "I was brainwashed" as excuse to enter the wrong bathroom or bedroom.

40. I may not cover the floor of the office with 1 credit bills and roll on the floor.

41. "Smartass" is not an alternate title for scientists.

42. M.U.L.E. bots are mobile automated delivery platforms, not cavarly.

43. The CentComm doesn't need a liftman.

44. "Just weld them in a locker and toss out of the airlock" is not a backup plan for a diplomatic meeting with the representative from the Clown planet.

45. I may not use the clown to taunt the specimens in the xenobiology lab.

45.a. I may not use my bare buttocks either.

46. I may not offer a "fly hunter" job to the skrell employees.

47. I may not blame it on my gun.

47.a. I may not blame it on my shoe either.

48. I may not strap several laserguns together in an attempt to create a chain-lasergun.

48.a. Same goes for grenade launchers.

49. I may not use civilians as currency.

50. I may not put a horse mask on Ian.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

51. ERT Lambda 7's official codename is "Last Out" and not any of the following: "Doom Patrol", "Sugar Daddies", "Cleanup Crew", "We're Fucked" or "Anti-Lawsuit Fireteam";

52. It is morally wrong for me to tell new Emergency Response Team recruits that a Vampire's greatest weakness is hugs, and I should feel bad for laughing at them when they actually fall for it;

53. I may not "gently suggest" the Captain space the clown by giving them a bike horn and the keys to the mass driver;

53a. I may not give bike horns to the Captain;

53b. I may not give bike horns to anyone;

54. We do not need a "Ghost Buster ERT";

54a. I may not form a "Ghost Buster ERT" of my own volition;

55. I may not claim that my misses at the firing range were "ranging shots" during official evaluations;

56. I may not attempt to digitally alter my test scores, even if doing so requires more knowledge than I showed during the actual tests;

57. I am not, nor ever have been, the "Prince of Passion";

58. When the Superintendent tells me to stop sending prank calls to the Captain, I am to assume he means that I should stop doing so immediately;

58. Likewise, I may not resume the prank calls five minutes later;

59. Terminating Syndicate infiltrators, while appreciated, should not happen inside Central Command's security perimeter, and my excuse for why it did should not be "I had to take a quick piss";

60. I may not remove cryptographic sequencers from the evidence storage lockers to try and imitate something I saw on the Internet;

61. I may not throw two energy swords into the cafeteria, then play "Duel of the Fates" on a loudspeaker until someone picks them up;

62. Wizards do not go to wizard school, and I should not tell new interns to "wait for the carp to come with your letter";

63. Even though company policy allows it, I may not authorize the Chief Medical Officer to excise the Clown's funny bone;

64. I should not tell the Warden that he or she is the Law;

64a. Likewise, I should not tell this to the Detective;

64b. No one is the Law;

65. Telling the station their genetic backups all have afros is funny. Telling them we lost them isn't;

66. The following are not good reasons to allow for Psych Leave: "The clown slipped me", "The clown called me a comdom", "My head hurts", "I'm surrounded by idiots" or "A Shadowling tried to thrall me and I'm seeing things now";

67. There is no such thing as a Code Epsilon. Any instance of me seeing such a thing on the internal communication logs are obviously false memories implanted by the Syndicate that I should report to the nearest Security staff;

68. I may not give an Engineering Emergency Response Team access to Seraphs so they can "fix things with style";

69. I may not make sexual innuendos to the newest male interns;

69a. I should refrain from doing it to females as well;

69b. Or any agendered species;

70. The appropriate response to "Report in" is not "Fuck off, I have a headache";

70a. I should not be drinking the job;

70b. I should not be drinking immediately before the job either;

71. There is a reason surgery is performed by certified doctors, and I should not encourage the Captain to do so via the applied use of "half a pint of whiskey and a pencil sharpener";

72. I may not refer to the mime as the "French Clown";

72a. I may not refer to the mime as the "Sad Clown";

72b. I may not refer to the mime as any type of clown

73. Coprolalia may not be used to justify instances of insubordination after I have been medically proven to not suffer from it;

74. Supermatter Crystals do not dispense gold when touched, and it is wrong of me to tell Engineers that;

75. Even though company policy allows it, I may not take the shuttle for a "surprise inspection" of the station armed with nothing but a clipboard, pen and six thousand credits

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

76. I may not requisition an Industrial Welding Tool to "kill that fucking spider", even if it is bigger than me.

76a. I may not requisition a flamethrower for the above reason.

77. When questioned, "But no one got hurt" is not a proper response to anything;

78. May not distribute cupcakes infected with Kingston's to anyone attending Racial Sensitivity seminars;

79. May not forge the signature of a superior officer in order to get a sick day;

79a. May not forge the signature of a superior officer, period;

80. I am not authorized to keep any of the following as a pet: space carp, a facehugger, a Xenomorph Queen, a Goliath, fifteen Basilisks, an army of monkeys, an iguana or a "domesticated stapler";

81. I may not refer to the non-existent Deathsquad as the "Death Squid" or "Deff Squid";

82. I may not refer to Central Command's Xenobiological Breeding Program as the "Kraken lair";

82a. I may not spread misinformation regarding the illegal breeding of giant, mutant space squid among the crew of the Cyberiad, even if I have pictures to prove it;

82b. I may not ever respond to anything with "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!", unless a non-existent Kraken has in fact breached containment;

83. I may not encourage Engineering to form a death cult around keeping Lord Singuloth appeased and well fed;

83a. I may not encourage any death cults;

84. I may not forge Ambassador William's signature in an effort to "screw with the old windbag";

85. "Cupcakes and beer" are not valid Morale Booster items;

86. We do not possess, nor ever have possessed, "all the muns";

87. I may not request that the crew procure the following items: non-flammable plasma, a bottle of "purest spess", the tears of a Changeling, skin flakes of a Shadowling or a funny clown;

88. Even though company policy allows it, may not sell the mime into indentured servitude;

89. Despite what my commanding officers may say, people react negatively to being poked with meteors;

90. Uploading a virus to the Telecomms Array that turns every third word into "potato" is only funny for five minutes;

91. I may not refer to Central Command's illicit breeding program as the "Animal Farm";

91a. I may not refer to any non-existent illicit breeding program;

92. "Pet the Dog" is not an appropriate response when someone inquires as to what to do with a sick Vulpkanin crewmember;

92a. The same applies for "Pet the Puppy", "Give it belly rubs" or "Throw a bone at it";

92b. I may not refer to Vox as "chickens";

92c. I may not throw canaries at Tajaran crewmembers and stare intently at them;

92d. I will, for the foreseeable future, attend Racial Sensitivity seminars;

93. I should not tell freshly minted Representatives that everything will be fine;

94. I may not scramble a Seraph-carried Emergency Response Team because I don't want to pay for pizza delivery;

94a. I may not have pizza delivered to Central Command, even if no one knows how the delivery shuttle got past our security perimeter;

95. Communications Officer O'Hara is not from Space Ireland, and I should be incredibly ashamed of myself for suggesting it;

95a. Even if everyone laughed at the joke;

96. The Rapid-Construction Device is not to be used to make emergency entrances into the bathrooms;

97. No matter what the Superintendent says, RussianBrides.com is not legit, and I should not provide my superior officer's credit card information to it;

98. I may not dare the Psychological Operations Department to do anything;

99. "Kick his ass" is not an appropriate response for a request on how to handle a misbehaving Magistrate;

99a. Nor is it "Off with his head!";

100. I may not refer to the NanoTrasen Representative as any of the following: "Fancy Cane Guy", "Mouthpiece", "Hat Rest", "Seat Heater", "That Bitch" or "Fax Handler"

 

Edited November 26, 2015 by Guest

[Kluys]

 

101. I may not tell the crew its safe to go "carp watching".

102. I may not request hulked geneticists to smash.

103. I may not tell the telescience crew the coordinates of hostile outposts under the guise of treasure.

103a. This also applies to zoos, alien hives, the CEO's office and the centers of planetary bodies or stars.

103b. I may not request telescience excursions to these locations either.

104. Altering the station blueprints to put the clown office in the permabrig bedroom is not ok.

104a. The clown commiting a petty crime doesn't make it ok.

105. I may not send the mime when first contact is made with a new intelligent species.

106. Unathi and vulpkanin aren't forced to wear a muzzle.

107. Attempting to tap a slime person because the water cooler is to far away is inapropriate.

107a. The same goes for IPC's and fuel tanks.

108. I may not "help" the station security team by making our packing department unlock weapon crates pre shipping.

109. The morgue is not part of the kitchen.

110. Forcing open airlocks doesn't provide the station with fresh air.

111. I may not tell security officers they are going on a suicide mission even if its true.

112. I may not make our transport team colour our shuttles sindicate red because it looks cooler.

113. I may not use a plasma man to roast marshmallows.

114. Employees are not forced to remove their jumpsuits during an inspection.

114a. Courses on appropriate behavior start next week.

114b. I may not force crewmembers to remove their protective gear in a hostile enviorment during inspections.

115. I may not tell the non exsistant death squad they are going on a mission when they are given a vacation.

116. I may not frame someone for a capital crime when the station is low on cyborgs.

117. I may not announce an NT charity operation when I need to fund my gambling addiction.

118. Giving a high five using a mech suit may result in injury.

118a. The same goes for handshakes and fist bumps.

119. I may not request SE's when my kid has trouble in PE class

120. I may not request UI's to look like my favorite celebrity.

121. Adding small amounts of laughing gas to vox or plasmaman tanks is only funny until they faint during dangerous activities.

122. Sacrificing the janitor to ask god for an army of cleanbots is illigal.

122a. The same goes for security officers and medical doctors.

123. You can't stop a singularity by making it collide with another singularity.

124. Party poppers are not made in toxins research.

125. Changing everyones title to clown is not part of our equal treatment policy.

125a. Neither is releasing kingstons.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

126. I may not offer to trade my soul for any of the following items: 31% of the company's shares, a bottomless glass of whiskey, ten Skrell exotic dancers or a "lifetime supply of claymores";

126a. I may not offer to trade the souls of interns either;

126b. No longer allowed anywhere near Metaphysical RnD;

127. Interns are prospective new employees, not "fresh meat";

127a. They are also not "redshirts", even though we give them red shirts;

128. The HONKsquad is an emergency-only humor squad, not a go-to button whenever Ian's feeling lonely;

129. May not initiate illicit corgi breeding programs in an effort to create "The Universe's Fuzziest Thing";

130. Despite what generations of people have said, pissing on burn wounds is not appropriate first aid aboard a high-tech space station capable of cloning people;

131. I should not encourage the Engineers to hold staring contests with the Singularity;

132. I should not encourage the Engineers to play tag with the Supermatter;

133. I may not use the Research Outpost to host blood sports, even if no one's using it;

134. I may not request sick leave because of the clown's bad puns;

134a. I may not request psych leave because of the clown's bad puns;

135. No matter what anyone says, there has never been, nor will there ever be, a Space Hitler, and I should not tell the interns there is;

136. "Fifteen shots of absinthe and a goat" is not an appropriate response when asked why A.L.I.C.E is in space;

137. I do not have Jayson Hawke's name tattooed on my ass;

138. Jayson Hawke is not involved in an illicit relationship with Hawke Boetirson, and I should not draw up lurid fanart of it;

138a. Nor should I pay other Central Command officials to do it for me;

138b. Even if they ask for it;

138c. Especially if they ask for it;

138d. I am also prohibited from writing any sort of smut or fictional story about the two, even if the story is not fictional;

139. No fanfics;

139a. This goes double if anyone actually asks for one;

139b. This goes triple if it in any way references Jayson Hawke;

140. I may no longer organize "Dire Jousting" competitions by feeding unstable mutagenic chemicals to the animals in the Biological Department;

141. Even though company policy allows it, no short shorts;

142. Swords are not standard issue with my NanoTrasen uniform;

142a. Even if everyone else gets them;

143. "Live and let live" is not official company policy when dealing with Changelings;

144. Vampires are not actually allergic to garlic, and I should not tell ERT Tau 6 to wear their garlic garlands again;

145. ERT Lambda 7 is not to be dispatched for anything less than a Gamma Level Emergency. This does not include the Engineers releasing the Singularity again, surprisingly enough;

146. I may not give Engineers golden stickers for not releasing the Singularity;

147. I may not "keep tabs" on how many times the Engineers fucked up the Singularity Containment Procedures;

147a. Even if Central Command does it and it's legitimate protocol;

148. There is no such thing as a "huggable" Supermatter, and I should not tell interns we keep them inside cotton candy vaults;

148a. I must report any intern that actually falls for it to Internal Affairs for reassignment;

149. I am a Central Command officer and should conduct myself with the utmost of professionalism. This means I cannot conduct my business in my pajamas, even if the Trurl's dry cleaners ruined everything else;

150. I may not threaten to reveal my superior officer's "deepest, darkest secrets" in exchange for a pay raise;

150a. Doubly so if I'm not bluffing

 

[Adrkiller59]

 

151. Saying "oops, I missed" is not an acceptable explanation to why the BSA cannon blew up the emergency shuttle. Again.

152. Shaving my head does not make the telekinesis genemod more powerful.

152.a. Neither does the mohawk.

153. I may no longer try to convince people to play the "taser roulette"

153.a. No, the armory will not dispense revolvers to compensate for this.

154. Blue basilisk carcasses are not to be used as disco-balls.

155. I may not try to organize "durand wrestling" matches in some abandoned office in mainetance.

155.a. Even if it earns me more money than my wage.

156. I may not fill the ERT medical emergency hypospray with recreational drugs.

157. I am to stop trying to figure out a way to use a rocket-powered exosuit as a spaceship interception weapon.

158. I may not cook bacon on the heat sinks of the thermoelectric generator.

158.a Even if it's perfectly cooked and extra crispy.

159. Painting myself red does not make me faster.

160. I AM TO INMEDIATELY STOP MESSING WITH THIS LIST.

161. The telecommunications satellite is not part of NanoTrasen's Mind Control Relay Network.

161.a. This does not suggest Nanotrasen has a Mind Control Relay Network.

161.b Nor it does confirm it has one.

162. I may not ask the japanese interns if they enjoy the goliaths.

163. I may not ask the french intern if she's good at "french kissing"

163.a Even if she takes it as a challenge.

163.b Especially if she takes it as a challenge.

164. There is no such place as "Space Australia".

165. I may not ask the xenobiologist to develop a "tequila slime".

166. I may not replace the ERT suits with carboard boxes with "plot armor" scribbled on them.

167. I may not plug the IPC assistant's head to my console because "it has a dead pixel".

168. If any idea involving a gravity catapult makes me giggle for more than 3 seconds, I am not allowed to do it.

169. I am not allowed to perform unauthorized modifications to my personal weapon, including:

-Chainsaws, or chainsaw launchers.

-Underbarrel grenade, flashbang and tribble launchers.

- Stereo, DJ or other audio systems.

-Water pistol filled with alchohol.

170. Tajara interns do not have 7 lives, and because of this they are not good minesweepers.

171. "Nipple cripple for massive damage" is not an acceptable close quarters maneuver, and it should not be teached as such to new ERT recruits.

171.a. I am to report to the xenobiology lab and demostrate it's effectiveness on the live xenomorph if i continue to claim the above point is untrue.

172. Honour dueling is prohibited under any circumstance.

172.a. So is "dishonour dueling".

173. IPC interns are not to be punished for incompetence by having their "limb privileges" revoked.

173. Removing their arms and declaring them "armless" will be punishable by a severe summary kicking.

174. Mainetance drones do not have a "fetch" protocol.

174.a. Similarily, pAIs do not have a "vibrate" protocol.

175. I may not try to convince interns to play "flashbang hot potato" with me.

175.a. Other grenade variants of the game are similarly prohibited. Including remote detonation grenades.

 

[Stephanov]

 

52. It is morally wrong for me to tell new Emergency Response Team recruits that a Vampire's greatest weakness is hugs, and I should feel bad for laughing at them when they actually fall for it;

 

 

Holy shit what if there was a Grinch antag for Christmas and their weakness is actually hugs

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

Scrambling ERT Seuss 1.

[Garoon]

 

126. I may not offer to trade my soul for any of the following items: 31% of the company's shares, a bottomless glass of whiskey, ten Skrell exotic dancers or a "lifetime supply of claymores";

What about just one hyper-exotic Skrell dancer?

 

138. Jayson Hawke is not involved in an illicit relationship with Hawke Boetirson, and I should not draw up lurid fanart of it;

 

Someone needs to show this to Phantasmic

 

138d. I am also prohibited from writing any sort of smut or fictional story about the two, even if the story is not fictional;

139. No fanfics;

139a. This goes double if anyone actually asks for one;

139b. This goes triple if it in any way references Jayson Hawke;

And I am mildly tempted to run with this as well...

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

176. I may not encourage the crew to swap confiscated Syndicate documents for pictures of the Command Staff's bare buttocks and then release the Syndicate infiltrator with a "pardon";

176a. Even if everyone thought it would be a great idea;

177. Central Command does not operate an "Underground Thunderdome Championship", and I should not attempt to create one myself;

178. Energy Swords are not "high-risk backscratchers" and I should not market them as such;

178a. I may not market Energy Swords I have not myself created;

178b. I may not create Energy Swords;

179. I may not convince the Superintendent that the Cyberiad has been nuked so I can get the day off;

180. I may not teach the interns how to say "You fight like a girl" in Sinta'Unathi, then tell them it's a cordial greeting;

181. Skrell head tentacles do not "taste of strawberries", and I should not tell that to the interns;

181a. I may not leave post-its with the above message, either;

182. Even though company policy allows it, I may not relegate Vox crewmembers to Janitor duty;

183. Xenobiology is a highly complex science, not "a bunch of chicken breeders";

184. My full reporting name is Communications Officer Jenkins, and I answer to Communications Superintendent Brennan. I am not "Como J" and I do not answer to "Big Daddy B";

184a. Even if the Superintendent asks me to refer to them as "Big Daddy B";

185. I should not encourage the interns to snuggle with the Vulpkanin crewmembers. I should especially not encourage them to grab their tails;

186. It is wrong of me to tell people that Shadow People are the same as Shadowlings;

187. There is absolutely no reason for me to be issued a gyrojet pistol, and I should stop pestering the General Quartermaster to get me one;

188. "Love and Tolerance" is not a good military strategy to employ against the Syndicate;

189. I may not use "It's 8AM somewhere" as an excuse for arriving at work five hours late;

190. "Respect through fear" is reserved for people that aren't "scrawny bookworms";

190a. I may not dox my superior officer out of spite;

191. I may not regale the interns with tall tales of my many legendary feats;

191a. Doubly so if they actually happened;

192. "Space Lube" is not a dietary suplement;

192a. Nor is it laxative;

193. "All the drugs" should not be within ten feet of any requisition form labelled "Chemistry";

194. Plasteel is an incredibly durable, incredibly expensive material made partially out of smelted plasma, and I should not be using it to reinforce my pillow fort;

194a. Even if it wasn't my idea to begin with;

195. I may not dare the interns to "smoke the plasma";

195a. Nor may I dare the interns to "huff the plasma";

196. I may not redirect every staff complaint to the CEO's inbox;

196a. Even if company policy allows it;

197. I may not deny a request for an Emergency Response Team because "Only half of Security is dead";

198. I may not refer to the Labour Camp as "The Gulag";

199. Sonic Jackhammers are not Pogo Sticks;

200. I should not yell out "SYNDICATE BOMB!" then throw a Syndicate Bomb drink at someone;

200a. Doubly so if said someone is part of Central Command's Security team

 

[johannhawk]

 

Similarly, I may not refer to Vampires as "bloodsuckers with an attitude";

 

Call them ''Emo's with drinking problems''

 

edit: i think some moments in my forum signature could fit in this list

 

[Garoon]

 

200. I should not yell out "SYNDICATE BOMB!" then throw a Syndicate Bomb drink at someone;

200a. Doubly so if said someone is part of Central Command's Security team

Best clown prank ever

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

201. "Cut the blue wire" should not be my first response whenever someone asks how to defuse a bomb;

201a. Especially if the bomb actually has blue wires;

202. Crowbars are not boomerangs, and I should stop trying to prove they are;

203. Chief of Security Saori Hasegawa is not "Kawaii";

204. The Labour Camp shuttle is not the "paddy wagon";

204a. I may not offer a motorized vehicle to Security with the words "Paddy Wagon" painted in bright green letters across the side;

205. I may not instigate lynch mobs whenever the mime speaks;

206. We do not need more Changeling test subjects, and I may not keep one as a pet;

207. I may not use Changelings to get a day off;

207a. Even if it did do more work than I usually do;

208. I may either comb my hair before reporting for duty, or cut it so it isn't a "tangly mess";

209. I may not offer Vox dignitaries corn off the palm of my hand;

209a. Even if they accept it as a gesture of goodwill;

210. I may not automatically ignore everything the Chief Engineer faxes over because "they're not a real member of Command";

211. The Magistrate's wig is an item of prestige, power and status, not something I should point at and laugh;

212. The General Quartermaster should not be referred to as "Sugar Daddy", no matter how appropriate the metaphor is;

213. NAS Trurl does not stand for "Nothing Aboard is Sane";

214. Bluespace should not be referred to as "scary warpy place" when near Scientists;

215. Telling Security staff that you can "tank a taser" is generally a bad idea, and I should not encourage the interns to do it;

216. I may not make "Pewpew" noises when handling laser guns;

216a. Doubly so if the safety is off;

217. Lockboxes are not a challenge;

218. I am not, nor even have been, nor ever will be, a responsible adult, and it is wrong for me to tell the interns otherwise;

219. Time Travel is, to the best of our knowledge, impossible, and I should not dare the Bluespace RnD Division to prove otherwise;

220. Xenomorphs are not "misunderstood puppies";

221. Crossbows do not belong aboard the Trurl;

221a. Exception is made in the Firing Range and during Medieval Appreciation Day;

222. I may not spread misinformation regarding a non-existent "Highlander Beam";

223. The Chef is not obligated to make me a vegan plate if I am not actually a vegan;

223a. I may not pretend to be a vegan just to annoy the Chef;

224. "Death by Corgi" is no longer covered in my Life Insurance Policy;

225. Central Command does not have a "basement full of mummies";

225a. I should not use interns to create a "basement full of mummies"

 

Edited November 28, 2015 by Guest

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

226. Barring exceptional circumstances, the words "Blob Organism" and "Slash Fic" should not coexist in the same document;

226a. "But it'll sell" is not an exception circumstance;

226b. Even if it does;

227. I may not place subliminal messages in my faxes in a long-effort to get people to stop sending faxes;

228. I should stop telling the interns "what else they can do" with Skrell head tentacles;

229. I do not belong to ERT Lambda 7 just because I had to sit in as their coordinator once, and I should stop adding that to my resumé;

230. If I have to ask someone else to open the door for me, I am to assume I'm not supposed to be there;

231. Gibbington's Disease is not "Nature's Firecracker";

232. The Captain's hat does not contain asbestos, and it is wrong of me to tell Captains that;

233. Even if company policy allows it, may not request that the Research Director do anything;

234. There is a point where sending fake Wetskrell.nt messages to the crew stops being funny and starts being legitimate spam;

235. NanoTrasen does not run "Isolation Social Experiments", and I should not suggest that we do;

235a. Even if I have the logs to prove it There are no logs;

236. I may not request that the non-existent Deathsquad make a detour during an assignment because of "unfinished business" with my debt collectors;

236a. Even if they were working for the Syndicate;

237. "Hereticus Supremis" is not an actual Security Status, and I should not automatically slap it onto every Chaplain I do not find personally entertaining;

238. Even if company policy allows it, I may not request that the clown make a pun;

239. I may not romanticize vampires;

239a. Nor may I throw glitter on them and let people do it for me;

240. I should stop telling the interns that I served as the inspiration for Laertes via a "stable time loop";

241. May not pass off comic books as an autobiography to lesser advanced species;

242. When delivering carp to the Chef, I am to assume they want dead carp;

243. "Send in the clowns" is not an appropriate response when asked to help with a Syndicate Strike Team;

243a. Even if it somehow worked;

244. I should not stamp my Superintendent's forehead in an effort to make him "more legit";

245. The CEO is not interested in my complaints regarding workplace safety;

246. Even if company policy allows it, I may not dye my hair;

247. Even if company policy allows it, I may no longer give the crew pizzas whenever they behave "exceptionally adequate";

248. Ninjas are not real, and I should stop pretending to moonlight as one;

249. The following items do not fall under the category of "things I totally need": any sort of bladed instrument, a third cellphone, a headdress, three pigs, "clandestine pygmies" or any arthropod;

250. I may not mute the Shuttle Docking Announcement and then pass it off as a "social engineering experiment"

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

251. I may not tell IPC crewmembers that their posteriors have a NanoTrasen logo because "we own your ass";

251a. Even if we technically do;

252. I should not refer to the station's AI Unit as any of the following: "Rustbucket", "Bolthead", "Malfy", "Milfy" or "Doorhandle";

253. Cyborgs do not have a "hidden handsaw function", and I should not tell new Roboticists that it deploys when they sense fear;

254. Penlights are not effective weapons against Shadowlings, and I should not tell that to any Emergency Response Team recruits;

255. The "Lusty Xenomorph Maid" is a horrible stain on the company's history, not a recommended read for "Bring your kid to work Day";

255a. Even if my kid likes it;

256. I should stop inflating the interns' hopes by telling them we have a genetic backup of Freddy Mercury;

257. "Target practice!" should not be my response when questioned about what to do with an influx of Civilians;

258. If it makes anyone look at me funny, I am to assume I should not do it;

259. My boots are to remain polished at all times, not "for the inspectors";

260. I may not slap people with my gloves whenever they say something disparaging about me if I am not ready to handle the consequences;

261. "Literature Appreciation Day" does not include anything locked behind an Age Gate;

262. Even if company allows it, cannot try to stop a Malfunctioning AI Unit by presenting it with a logical paradox;

263. A.L.I.C.E. does not have "the hots" for me;

264. I may not break my microphone, then pass it off as an unfortunate sneezing incident;

264a. Even if I jam it up my nose;

265. Soylent Green is made of synthetic meat, and I should not tell the interns it's made out of the flesh of those who failed their entrance exams;

265a. Even if it is;

266. I may not spread conspiracy theories about the Syndicate being a front for a NanoTrasen covert operation;

267. I may not tell the non-existent Deathsquad to "get creative" whenever they go on assignment;

268. I may not go fishing in the Xenobiological Department;

269. Supermatter crystals are incredibly expensive, and should not be used as impromptu "long-range virus cure dispensers";

270. Toolboxes may be blunt instruments, but this does not mean I can get a permit to carry one at all times;

271. I may not "test for Shadowlings" by throwing flares at other personnel;

272. I may not throw random objects at Slime People to "see what sticks";

273. I may not refer to Plasmamen as "gasbags";

274. Greys do not want to "probe my underoos", and I should not encourage them to do so;

275. We have a Holodeck for a reason, and I should not bring basketballs into the office in order to "dunk" my co-workers

 

[Grongo]

 

251. I may not tell IPC crewmembers that their posteriors have a NanoTrasen logo because "we own your ass";

251a. Even if we technically do;

you did this to me, Tully.

and you dont own KANG's ass.

KANG owns his own ass.

got it?

 

[NTSAM]

 

251. I may not tell IPC crewmembers that their posteriors have a NanoTrasen logo because "we own your ass";

251a. Even if we technically do;

 

 

Your ass, your rules.

 

[Garoon]

So many lewd IPCs here

[PhantasmicDream]

Yeah, geez.

[Edd]

 

274. Greys do not want to "probe my underoos", and I should not encourage them to do so;

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't want Jenkins answering my IAA faxes anymore.

 

[Dumbdumn5]

 

251. I may not tell IPC crewmembers that their posteriors have a NanoTrasen logo because "we own your ass";

251a. Even if we technically do;

 

Great, another part of the schematic I have to copy down to get onto the station.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

276. There is no reason for me to consistently decapitate the training dummy during CQC training, then run around pretending everything is exploding;

277. I may not blare "The Final Countdown" via intercoms if the station's on-site Nuclear Fission Device is triggered;

278. Energy Swords are not "lightsabers", and I should not say this in front of anyone with a law degree;

279. Plasma is not a substitute for coffee, and I should not tell Engineers this;

280. Queen's "The Show Must Go On" is not an appropriate song for company funerals;

280a. Exception will be made during Superintendent Brennan's funeral, as he has personally requested it be played;

281. Telling someone they're a clone, while eventually necessary due to company policy, should not be done immediately after they leave the cloning pod;

282. I should never utter the words "Game over, man!" whenever I'm assigned as an Emergency Response Team coordinator;

282a. Even if they're entirely appropriate for the situation;

282b. Especially if they're entirely appropriate for the situation;

283. I may not use the central mainframe of the NXS Herod to run stock market simulations so I can "play the system";

284. It is entirely appropriate to yell in fear as an immediate response to being sent surveillance footage of live Xenomorphs aboard the Cyberiad. It is entirely innapropriate to write the response communication in full capital, bold letters;

285. I should not write after-action reports two hours before I'm supposed to deliver them, even if they're remarkably short;

286. I may no longer tell an Emergency Response Team to "hold the line";

287. Even though company policy allows it, may no longer bring my own keyboard to work;

288. I may not hold up Multitools to IPC any crewmembers and tell them it's my "bullshit detector";

289. Owlman is not real, no matter what the surveillance footage says;

290. I may not throw the Chief Medical Officer's pet cat into the server mainframe and then tell the Superintendent we're experiencing "runtime errors";

291. "Surprise live-fire exercises" are not included in the intern's training program, and I should not convince Lambda 7 otherwise;

292. While appreciated, may not bring everyone beer while at work;

293. I may not tell the BSA Operator to "eyeball it";

294. Clowns do not make good "turbine fuel", and I should not tell Atmos Techs that;

295. If it is both fuzzy and sentient, I am to assume I may not hug it and ask the Superintendent if I can "take it home and keep it";

296. No matter what I may think, nobody wants to see me in a mankini;

297. I may not write reply faxes entirely in WingDings;

297a. I may not write reply faxes partially in WingDings either;

298. May not use the following words when replying to a distress call: "The Darkness is coming", "Danger Close", "God have mercy on you" or "You may want to duck";

299. Tic-Tac-Toe is not to be used to ascertain whether someone is legally guilty of murder;

300. May no longer quote any movie during work hours.

300a. Lunch time is an exception

 

[KasparoVv]

Lmao, this just gets better and better.

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

301. I should not be proud of anything on this list, much less try to put it on my resumé;

302. Having a reclining chair is a privilege, not a right, and I should remember that the next time I think about doing anything;

303. I may not slip sentience potions into the Xenobiological Department's food dispenser;

304. Weeping Angels are a hostile Bluespace entity capable of wreaking havoc if left unchecked, and I should not summon one for the sole purpose of proving that I can keep my eyes open for longer than it can;

304a. Nor may I summon one so I can paint the words "Blink and you'll miss it" on its backside;

305. The words "run like hell", while appropriate, have no place in an EOD Protocol handbook;

306. Broadswords are not adequate equipment for clearing out mutant vine infestations;

306a. Kukris, however, are permissible;

307. If the CEO himself tells me to do something, I am to assume that it is non-negotiable;

308. The NXS Klapaucius is not to be referred to as "The Cellphone Company";

309. Even though company policy allows it, may no longer send fruit packages to the station on-board the Charon;

310. Blob Organisms are not "squishy", and I should not make disparaging comments about it to Slime People;

311. I may not call Skrell "nerds", "nerdlings" or any variation thereof;

312. No longer allowed to make "Yo momma" jokes near any Kidan crewmember;

313. I may not upload a ridiculous law to the AI in order to confuse it, then pass it off as an Ion Storm anomaly;

313a. Nor may I cause an Ion Storm to cover up my tracks;

313b. I am to explain to the Astrophysics Department how exactly I caused an Ion Storm;

314. Members of the Space Wizard's Federation are not to be referred to as "wiznerds";

314a. Even if it was a wizard who told me to in the first place;

315. The Space Wizard's Federation is an incredibly powerful organization, and any of its members is more than capable of obliterating an entire space station. It is therefore a bad idea for me to encourage the crew to call them "wizened old windbags" and throw rocks at them;

316. May no longer challenge Changelings to a shouting contest;

317. Even though company policy allows it, may no longer complain about being forcefully handcuffed to my workpost;

318. Giving Chemists Omnizine and telling them to "Play God" is generally a bad idea;

318a. As is doing the above with Scientists;

319. I may not implant a miniature radio into the Clown's skull and then pretend to be the Honkmother;

320. The Gamma Armory is only to be opened in cases of extreme urgency, and not because the Captain "needs a paddlin'";

321. I may not disguise malware .exe files as pictures of kittens, then send them to particularly incompetent Research Directors;

322. I may no longer remind the Head of Personnel that they can hire more clowns;

323. If I can feel the Superintendent's glare on the back of my head, I am to assume I should stop doing whatever it is I am doing;

323a. This applies to anything;

324. "But it's funny" is not a proper response when questioned on why I tampered with the Klapaucius' software to turn everything into "pirate speak";

325. I may not piggyback off the server mainframe in order to play videogames at work;

325a. I may not piggyback off the server mainframe in order to play videogames, period