The Mailbox - NAS Trurl Employee Teamwork-Building Initiative V-5112

[TullyBBurnalot]

On 2/10/2019 at 2:40 PM, Xerdies said:

Message To: CENTRAL COMMAND

Message Sender: TOODLES

Message Title: HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND ITS ME TOODLES!

Message Body:

HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND, 

Its me Toodles! I managed to sneak my way into the Internal Affairs Office and the Fax machine was still logged in. How are you guys doing over there? 

I have a question of the most importance importance that it had to go straight to the Central Command! I cannot bug our Captain with this, nono. 

I hope you guys are the right people to ask the question to, but if not try to answer it anyway okay? 

 

OH before I forgot! I have to say that I think the Clown should have access to those cool new DONK Machineguns! I have no idea where they come from, can I even buy them? 

I would love to buy them using some of the money I make on the uh... CiyberYiad! Phew, hard to write that thing. Pieces of paper are so old. We should make those little drone technology more advanced and have direct communication chips in our brain! That would be c... 

 

Sorry I digress - I had this important message to all of you, and I just need to find the paperclips. Ah yes, here found them!

Can I be captain? Like... just for one or two shifts. 

I would do it for free! What do you guys say? 

 

TOODLELOO - HAVE A NICE DAY. 

Hello, Toodles! Glad to know you haven't been thrown out an airlock yet (again).

Unfortunately, company policy forbids the Clown from holding a position with the slightest amount of responsibility while we're looking, and by sending this message, you made me look. Sorry about that, now we can't plausibly deny we had any knowledge of this.

As compensation, we'll send over a couple of foam force DONK Machineguns over to your last registered extant address (sorry, but the Clown Planet doesn't exist anymore, just let it go); hopefully this will help with the crippling lack of Clown Captains.

 

On 2/11/2019 at 10:24 PM, TheMaskedReader said:

Sorry to write you again, but two more things. First off, why the hell do we allow smoking on the Cyberiad? We explicitly work with plasma! 

First off, we have filtered air scrubbers. Those things are literally everywhere (as per OSHA Safety Regulation 1235512.123144). Secondly, have you not noticed the multitude of "No Smoking" signs we have splattered all over everywhere remotely related to plasma research?

Have you been ignoring the "No Smoking" signs?

 

On 2/11/2019 at 10:24 PM, TheMaskedReader said:

Second, why do we even ALLOW civilians on-station at all beyond tours? This is a critical mining and research facility, why can tourists just come in and take a gander, allowing the Syndicate to steal valuable research and experimental materials!

Oh boy, this again.

Well, dearest Mister Warden, before we were forced to surreptitiously bury that part of company history underneath a multitude of layers of legal paperwork and a non-insignificant number of bodies,  the NSS Cyberiad was once given the denomination of NCS Cyberiad, short for NanoTrasen Commercial Station. See, this was before we realized that Epsilon Eridani was a tad bit more dangerous than initially estimated, and we were forced to change the official classification (since we legally can't plop down commercial facilities anywhere that technically holds a Standard Threat Level of 5 or above. Epsilon Eridani sits at a nice 9).

However, just because we changed the classification doesn't mean we need to change any of the on-site protocols in regards to who we technically allow on the station as long as it's on Code Green, and hey, all we had to do was fund further Security forces and we were all set! And trust me, regardless of how much shit they may steal, or how much of an annoyance they may be, they pay out the ass to be on the station to begin with. Net profit is the name of the game!

 

[Tarhalindur]

To: Mr. Jenkins

From: NAS Trurl Automated Systems

Message contents: This is to inform Mr. Jenkins that the NSS Cyberiad has somehow been nuked for the 5th time in a week. Please dispatch a repair team.

To prevent the massive loss of morale that would be caused by public exposure of this message, this computer and all computers within a 500 mile radius will explode in approximately one minute.

Thank you.

[TullyBBurnalot]

On 2/24/2019 at 2:19 AM, Tarhalindur said:

To: Mr. Jenkins

From: NAS Trurl Automated Systems

Message contents: This is to inform Mr. Jenkins that the NSS Cyberiad has somehow been nuked for the 5th time in a week. Please dispatch a repair team.

To prevent the massive loss of morale that would be caused by public exposure of this message, this computer and all computers within a 500 mile radius will explode in approximately one minute.

Thank you.

Little known fact: it's the Communications Department that dispatches and monitors automated messaging systems. We don't receive them.

Stop redirecting spam to our Department, Bill, no one's going to like you better for it.

[Landerlow]

### INTERNAL COMMUNICATION ###

To: Nanotrasen Special Operations Command

From:  Epsilon ERT Commander, callsign 'Janitor'

Subject: Shortage of manpower

Dear NTSOP command,

This is the current situation report of the Epsilon ERT forces:

Total manpower: 200 Humans, 10 cyborgs.

Dispatched manpower: 180 humand, 3 cyborgs

Reserve manpower: 20 humans, 7 cyborgs

--

The current teams dispatched are at stations in far regions, and have the objective 'Explosive Solution', as such it's a one-way trip. The remaining manpower (see 'Reserve manpower') is VERY low. I would like to remind you to refill our ranks, I have composed a new training schedule already, that's all taken care of.

 

Hail Nanotrasen

 

Janitor

 

### END ###

[TullyBBurnalot]

3 hours ago, Landerlow said:

### INTERNAL COMMUNICATION ###

To: Nanotrasen Special Operations Command

From:  Epsilon ERT Commander, callsign 'Janitor'

Subject: Shortage of manpower

Dear NTSOP command,

This is the current situation report of the Epsilon ERT forces:

Total manpower: 200 Humans, 10 cyborgs.

Dispatched manpower: 180 humand, 3 cyborgs

Reserve manpower: 20 humans, 7 cyborgs

--

The current teams dispatched are at stations in far regions, and have the objective 'Explosive Solution', as such it's a one-way trip. The remaining manpower (see 'Reserve manpower') is VERY low. I would like to remind you to refill our ranks, I have composed a new training schedule already, that's all taken care of.

 

Hail Nanotrasen

 

Janitor

 

### END ###

First off, I'd appreciate it if you didn't reveal sensitive information such as CLASSIFIED ERT MISSION STATEMENTS on a public mailing list.

Secondly, I made sure to fix your problems within a few minutes of me noticing no one above my paygrade was around to fix the problem for me: any and all non-human arrivals to the Trurl will be redirected to the ERT Training Program. Hope you brushed up on your Sinta'Unathi.

[Jamania]

### Communication Recieved ###

To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected])

From: Dr. Z, M.D. ([email protected])

Subject: Life on the Trurl

 

Hail Trurl, Dr. Z here.

What's life like on the Trurl? I'm sure CentCom is aware of what it's like on the Cyberiad, so I'm curious to how things are on the other side of the Sector. Second, please clue me in on when the next round of ERT Applications open.

 

Kind Regards,

Dr. Z, M.D.

 

### Communication Terminated ### 

Edited March 4, 2019 by Jamania

[TullyBBurnalot]

16 hours ago, Jamania said:

To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected])

From: Dr. Z, M.D. ([email protected])

Subject: Life on the Trurl

 

Hail Trurl, Dr. Z here.

What's life like on the Trurl? I'm sure CentCom is aware of what it's like on the Cyberiad, so I'm curious to how things are on the other side of the Sector. Second, please clue me in on when the next round of ERT Applications open.

 

Kind Regards,

Dr. Z, M.D.

Greetings, Dr. Z! A complementary box of the finest chocolates our Bluespace RnD Department teleported from the chocolate factories of Sweet Tooth Inc. has been sent to your desk, courtesy of being the only person to actually give enough of a shit to ask me how I am. Keep on keepin' on, darlin'.

Anyway, life here's quite a way's better than what you call life over there; we're not really stuck somewhere that keeps being contested by a bunch of terrorist organizations, and frankly, we've got a way, way bigger budget for staff vetting, on-site security, station defensive measures and Bluespace shielding, meaning that it's actually pretty safe to work around here; Taco Tuesdays notwithstanding.

Pay's kinda shit, but I assume that's because my disciplinary folder is now the size of a medium-sized cabinet. Apart from that, most of my job involves sitting in front of multiple monitors and making sure communication lines are open. So, the usual, running routine maintenance checks on the Klapaucius, answering faxes and direct-link emergency messages, making sure we don't get impersonated by Changelings, yadayadayada. Really, the only negative of working on the Trurl is that the dress code is fucking terrible. You think I like dressing up like some tacticool edgelord?

 

As for the ERT Applications, those don't technically ever close, we just don't accept anyone unless we need folks to fill in for casualties; our ERT forces are expansive as it is, and we can effectively dedicate a team to each of our installations if required. So really, if you want a good shot at getting in, wait until the Cyberiad goes through an emergency that requires an ERT being called and then hope one of the bastards dies off so you can take their spot. That's how a good quarter of our ERT force got the job anyway.

[Splgrk]

To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected]

From: SINA-, Warden ([email protected])

Subject: IPC bodies

Hey Jenkins,

I know you said no the last 16 times I asked, but can I bring one of my own bodies to work next shift? The standard IPC bodies that Nanotrasen provides us electronic employees are total shit. I work security, I need armor. Not plastic that somehow manages to fall apart when hit by EMP. I mean, I understand you won't let me use my SolGov Special Forces body because of the orbital drop pack and the rocket launchers, but I have one that I built myself that has an inbuilt rapid-fire taser and environmentally built riot armour? Surely you can't object to that.

SINA-

 

 

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

22 hours ago, Splgrk said:

To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected]

From: SINA-, Warden ([email protected])

Subject: IPC bodies

Hey Jenkins,

I know you said no the last 16 times I asked, but can I bring one of my own bodies to work next shift? The standard IPC bodies that Nanotrasen provides us electronic employees are total shit. I work security, I need armor. Not plastic that somehow manages to fall apart when hit by EMP. I mean, I understand you won't let me use my SolGov Special Forces body because of the orbital drop pack and the rocket launchers, but I have one that I built myself that has an inbuilt rapid-fire taser and environmentally built riot armour? Surely you can't object to that.

SINA-

For the last fucking time, SINA-, no, we cannot allow military-grade IPC platforms onto any of our facilities ever since your Central Processing Committee decided to start throwing lawsuits at us for failing to provide them with basic sentient rights or, in fact, a sense of self. If that wasn't enough, then we had the whole string of incidents with the Tranzor Terror, the multiple bombings on Mars, and let's not forget the devastating Bar Boycott of 2498.

For safety reasons, you get plastic, and you'll like it. And if you don't, tough shit, you aren't getting anywhere near any of our shiny shit with your shiny shit. 

[Splgrk]

For the record, SINA- was never on Mars, doesn't know anything about explosives and  any records of her being near any bar in 2498 are expunged.

[TullyBBurnalot]

10 minutes ago, Splgrk said:

For the record, SINA- was never on Mars, doesn't know anything about explosives and  any records of her being near any bar in 2498 are expunged.

I wasn't even talking about you, but since you seem so inclined to deny any involvement, I'll make sure to notify Internal Affairs.

[ReynTheLord]

To: Central Command

From: A concerned security officer

Subject: Dress code, Regulations, Retards and Dumbasses

"Recently, I've noticed that security has been much more lenient over... more insane outfits. Someone came to work in a chicken suit and kept the damn mask on the entire shift! Plus, I've had to deal with visitors constantly raiding workplaces, and occasionally killing other visitors or workers! Cargo workers seem to have problems with kleptomania, My Fellow officers are Insane, The botanist is always growing narcotics, and Don't get me STARTED about the chaplains i've had to deal with. Will you consider stricter psychological and medical checkups and requirements for workers here, or at least better equip security, Or do you have any advice on how to make this situation better ourselves?"

[TullyBBurnalot]

1 hour ago, ReynTheLord said:

To: Central Command

From: A concerned security officer

Subject: Dress code, Regulations, Retards and Dumbasses

"Recently, I've noticed that security has been much more lenient over... more insane outfits. Someone came to work in a chicken suit and kept the damn mask on the entire shift! Plus, I've had to deal with visitors constantly raiding workplaces, and occasionally killing other visitors or workers! Cargo workers seem to have problems with kleptomania, My Fellow officers are Insane, The botanist is always growing narcotics, and Don't get me STARTED about the chaplains i've had to deal with. Will you consider stricter psychological and medical checkups and requirements for workers here, or at least better equip security, Or do you have any advice on how to make this situation better ourselves?"

Greetings, Mr. Concerned,

I'm almost certain I've answered a question like this before, but I'll repeat myself just in case: ultimately, it is cheaper for us to deal with the fallout of occasionally hiring/inviting mentally unbalanced individuals than it is to institute a company-wide psychological vetting process; I'm sure you can imagine that logistics and bureaucracy get a tiny bit complicated when your organization operates on a literally galactic scale. So we just hire a few crazies every once in a while, pay off the lawsuits, provide clones when needed, and that's still a drop in the fucking ocean that would be a proper psych eval vetting system.

As for advice, I dunno, ask Hydroponics for some Ambrosia? Just don't get caught smoking it, we're only technically allowed to grow it thanks to some legal fiction about "medical research".

[Danny Glands]

Dear Sir:

Why is the HONK exosuit even in the fabricator blueprint files? Everyone knows that that monstrosity is an assault on proper station operation, and honestly, it's an affront to good taste.

Anonymous Robot Engineer

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

On 3/26/2019 at 9:10 AM, Danny Glands said:

Dear Sir:

Why is the HONK exosuit even in the fabricator blueprint files? Everyone knows that that monstrosity is an assault on proper station operation, and honestly, it's an affront to good taste.

Anonymous Robot Engineer

Company policy obligates me to inform you that we like our clowns and wish for them to have a good time, bless the Honkmother. pleasehelp

[TheClosetMailman]

Dear Comrade

We must unite together to defeat the true menace, incompent security officers, without arms, we cannot complete great leader Franco  Tetra`s dreams of creating a truly prospering police-state abroad the Cyberiad, truly free of catgirls and mimes! Where clowns and chemist hold hands and Ian is given a CentComm Cap.

We must up our standards for the blue red brigade, make them not only represent the people, but Nanotrasien as well! 
I suggest it becomes mandatory to be a member of CEDA have proven their worth for Nanotrasien by cooperating with us for, say, a few hours at least.

Together, we can unite against the silent union workplace inefficiency and superior security measures.

Sincerely, the spaniard spacer with a female name despite being male.

[TullyBBurnalot]

On 3/27/2019 at 5:12 PM, TheClosetMailman said:

Dear Comrade

We must unite together to defeat the true menace, incompent security officers, without arms, we cannot complete great leader Franco  Tetra`s dreams of creating a truly prospering police-state abroad the Cyberiad, truly free of catgirls and mimes! Where clowns and chemist hold hands and Ian is given a CentComm Cap.

We must up our standards for the blue red brigade, make them not only represent the people, but Nanotrasien as well! 
I suggest it becomes mandatory to be a member of CEDA have proven their worth for Nanotrasien by cooperating with us for, say, a few hours at least.

Together, we can unite against the silent union workplace inefficiency and superior security measures.

Sincerely, the spaniard spacer with a female name despite being male.

I've... taken the liberty of redirecting this message to the Trurl's Psychological Evaluation Department.

A representative will be with you shortly. Please do not resist.