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Splgrk last won the day on January 18 2019

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  1. Who had the brilliant idea to change the hotkeys for blob. There you are, first time playing blob for fucking months, and nothing works. You go to the wiki, nope, still the same hotkeys, except they don't work. You scroll through the changelog, it's not on the first page. You come back, oh, wait, you're already dead. Isn't that fucking genius. The entire point of hotkeys is that you get them in your muscle memory so you're faster. If you've played blob a dozen times, you don't just change the fucking hotkeys. I mean, imagine if they just took out what Control+C or something does in windows. How utterly that would throw everyone off for ages. What an absolutely fantastic way to murder a rare antag that you only get to play a few times a year for no reason whatsoever.
  2. So, 20 minutes into the shift, fastmos throws a floor tile at me and breaks a bone. I go into surgery, as one would. I wake up and the surgeon proudly proclaims that he IMPROVED my hands. By replacing them with monkey arms. I demand my own hands back, as this wasn't even a hand operation, and he refuses. So I text Internal affairs and the CMO. The surgeon still refuses, but now claims that I actually consented to this operation. I deny that and the surgeon gets fired. So far, normal medical misshap, one might think. Except this is where things really start. The CMO puts my old hands back. Except by now, they have rotted. I die during surgery, still unconscious, from massive infection. She tries to drag my body to the defib to bring me back, except at that moment, WORMHOLES open and my body falls through and to engineering. Eventually, someone discovery my rotting body. I'm brought to medbay and cloned. Except something goes wrong during the cloning process. I wake up naked, brain damaged and... blind. No worries, says the CMO, just some oculine. The oculine doesn't help. Must be genetic then! Nope, resetting my genes does nothing either. Wait, where my eyes always a dark red? No, they used to be blue... Turns out, I was cloned without eyes. So I'm brought to surgery, where monkey's eyes are removed. Except... the monkey's eyes can't be put into my sockets. Because, even though I don't have eyse, there is no room for eyes in my eyes. Turns out that's the wrong way to do that surgery. Second time, the surgeon slips and breaks my skull. Also, I'm losing a lot of blood. The shuttle is called.Finally, third attempt, the new eyes go in. Skull still broken, I'm dragged out and into the tubes. Back for another surgery. This time without anesthetic, so the surgeon slips four times. Blood loss is adding up again, so I'm now dizzy and getting brain damage. But the shuttle is here now, so enough surgery for today. Total time spent on this odyssey of surgery: over 90 minutes. For a tile to the chest. This may have been the most SS13 shift of all shifts ever.
  3. That's why you combine it with lying. "Officer, I just found this tome, I was bringing it to the chapel, I swear. Look, the holy water isn't doing anything. I've been here for ten minutes, can I go now?"
  4. Huh. I had no idea that you could chemically counter holy water. Never even occured to me to look it up. Bravo.
  5. Eh, you don't have to fight that often as a warden. It's entirely manageable if you know how to brig a prisoner. Once they are in a cell, there's almost no way for them to hurt you if you handle them right. Also, as a general tip: be nice to your prisoners. Especially the perma ones. Bringing them the occasional snack or going for a chat in downtimes can do a lot in defusing situations that could end in riots.
  6. Some lizards are parthenogenic.
  7. So, medbay chemistry had: No 100u beakers (we had to deconstruct glass tables to make them in science) No IV bags to get blood from monkeys (we had to find some in maint) No reagent locker (had to make everything from scratch, which took ages)
  8. Suggestion instead of the McDonalds: interstellar fast food truck. Essentially, similar to Sol traders, but they sell specialty foods.
  9. That's why you never flee back the way you came. Maint or disposals, always.
  10. For the record, SINA- was never on Mars, doesn't know anything about explosives and any records of her being near any bar in 2498 are expunged.
  11. I really don't think you should have traitor goals that could conceivably happen by accident.
  12. To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected] From: SINA-, Warden ([email protected]) Subject: IPC bodies Hey Jenkins, I know you said no the last 16 times I asked, but can I bring one of my own bodies to work next shift? The standard IPC bodies that Nanotrasen provides us electronic employees are total shit. I work security, I need armor. Not plastic that somehow manages to fall apart when hit by EMP. I mean, I understand you won't let me use my SolGov Special Forces body because of the orbital drop pack and the rocket launchers, but I have one that I built myself that has an inbuilt rapid-fire taser and environmentally built riot armour? Surely you can't object to that. SINA-
  13. Killing doesn't have to be loud. Just strangle them, oxygen damage means you can't talk.
  14. I've been morgued for no reason even when still defibbable and cloneable, simply because the doctor receiving my corpse couldn't find a defib and didn't know how the cloner worked. Removing the cloner would absolutely end with more people in the morgue.
  15. We used to have "make an example out of". That was taken out ages ago.