Fox McCloud Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Greetings! Welcome to my guide on how to be the best HoP of literally ALL time. What's HoP and Why should it matter to you? Well! That's simple! HoP (Head of Personnel) is quite simply put, the best and most important job on the entire station. You could quite easily build a case that the whole reason the station exists is because NT built it just for you. Your rank is unparalleled; you're not some manchild babysitting a bunch of losers with a fake medal of "captaincy" and ego problems--nope! You KNOW you're the best. Just follow these simple steps and you'll easily be the just as good as the highest ranking and elitest of elite HoP's out there. Step 1. NT didn't want any of those other petulant mnchildren to be jealous of your true status, so they gave you a rather plain looking ID card and access that doesn't entail the entire station. That said in their wisdom they didn't grant you an AMAZING machine that allows you to give yourself any access level you want. This is the most important part to being an HoP; slot in another ID and quickly upgrade your own personal ID to all access. Don't stop there though, the sissy Head of Shitcurity and Captain of Comdomcy won't like, so your best bet is to make multiple all access IDs. Hide them in a box, hide them around the station---hide them in your office. If those troglodytes ever get the gall to actually take away your GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO THE ENTIRE STATION, you'll want a backup to get your access back. Step 2. Your fellow man is very important. Why? MONEY. Before anyone can stop you, open up shop and start offering to sell all access to anyone and everyone who will pay you ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. If they don't pay up, that's ok, smile and nod and take their ID anyway--and when you do, rename their job to something completely befitting of their position 'Buttflip McScientist" with the job of "Toilet Licker"--while you're at it, remove access from their ID entirely and hand it back to them with a "hear ya go!"; they'll smile and wiggle excitedly as they tromp off to access absolutely nothing--don't worry about the retribution though! More on that later. For those who do pay, give them what they want! Chuck out those all access cards like candy---clown paid the $1000? Pfftt, who cares! The armory doesn't really have that great of weapons in it anyway! Step 3: Don't stay open for long. Your job isn't to change nerds jobs--stay open for about 10 minutes into your shift, after which point you must embark on your next greatest journey: self-enrichment. See that back account console in the computer room? Yup that's not the station's--this is your personal ATM...NT just made a few mistakes of depositing money in the wrong accounts. The best HoP's will drain the entirety of payroll, research, and cargo and transfer it onto their own account. Be on the lookout for that nerdling IAA though who may audit you later---this is why you'll want all your moolah in cash or deposited on your card---if it's your own bank account someone might break in and steal it! Step 4: Cargoland. It's time to start exerting your true command experience over the station---after being open for 10 minutes, it's time to head on over to cargo. Berate the miners and QM for not having 1000 cargo points yet and remind them that they were nerds for not taking your all access offer for $1000 when they could have. After this, grab order yourself a crate of stun batons, lasers, and bees (always bees always). After your shipment arrives, use your GOD GIVEN RIGHT to these crates to open them and quickly deposit the contents in your backpack. After grabbing a bee egg, stunning the QM, and forcing said egg down his throat, it's time to move on! Step 4.6: Corgis Breed those little guys until their hearts give out like they were just fed an initropidril pill---then sell them...for money. Step 5: The AI is your friend! Now that you've quite easily asserted that you're the HoP of HOPPERY, it's time to make a new friend--the AI. That wonky robo-thingcan actually come in handy. Best thing to do is trot in to the AI upload and grab the purge and freeform module---purge that crotechy piece of shit and upload a law informing it that it's name is "Spess Bee of Happiness" and that it must entertain and care for the crew like it was its very own brood. After all, everyone needs a cuddly buzzing friend every once in a while Step 6: Your real job. Now...it's time...time to accomplish your real purpose. Head to EVA and grab a full set of gear including magboots and a jetpack---head immediately off the station...after all, those pathetic meth-sucking sarin huffing lunatics get damn jealous sometimes---they're liable to fly off the handle and kill you for one of your hundred all access IDs or somehow become confused and angry that the money they stole from YOU at the start of the shift has been transferred PROPERLY back into your account. Once off the station, the sky is the limit---head on over to your local chemistry meth lab and start experimentation--after all, this is your true call: ADVENTURE. See that engineering station you just came across? It's uninhabited and never used---use it for all your chemical testing purposes; don't worry about the shuttle that docks there--no one ever uses it and the few times someone does? Well...no one minded a little black powder in their lungs anyway--I mean, that stuff is close enough to charcoal as is! Step 7: Returning to the Station. This step. Skip it. Step 8: Shipments of 'taters come to the station once in a while, and you're no exception to this. Bask in the glory of being the single best person ever to get this job---the world is your oyster---or in this case, you're the warden of the asylum. Using your well established powers and routines, you have all the means to make the BEST STATION EVER. See that RD? He's not as good as you, but he's still pretty amazing. Go jab him in the head with an implant and whisper those oh so magic words he's been dying to hear "go hog wild". After setting your bestest friend to work on the station, it's time to start promoting anyone remotely loyal to you to "Head of AWESOMECURITY"---Not just one---every single one. After all, that Shitlord Supercop beret toting nerdlord doesn't deserve his job or his armory. Oh, your objective? Silly syndicates, they don't send taters to the station to steal stuff---nahhh, those are just guidelines they give to OTHER people--it's implicitly understood that you've been given a blank check to a bank account that will never bounce. So---go forth, warden, and rule your asylum Step 9: Shuttle Rides. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. Step 7. Step 10: Bask in the glory of being the BEST HOP EVER I hope you enjoyed my guide to becoming a great and outstanding HoP---we sure could use more of them in this world! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regen Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 >first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DZD Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'm going to go ahead and quote Adr, because this applies here. I hate to be the no-fun-allowed guy, but oh boy i can already see the influx of komdoms, so before it happens lemme say thatTHIS GUIDE IS JUST A JOKE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. If you try to be a smartass by being a shitlord and then excusing yourself with "BUT I IS FOLLOING GUID WRITEN BY HEADMUN" then yer gonna git ban'd even harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earthdivine Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 ....Fox you posted this on the wrong fourms, this is meant for goon. EDIT: True story, me and Macto tried to make people pay for more access one round while I was making people pay for Cargo stuff. One of us had that EVOC scanner thing thrown at our face multiple times in a shift and I had an IED thrown at me. It was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fox McCloud Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 ....Fox you posted this on the wrong fourms, this is meant for goon. EDIT: True story, me and Macto tried to make people pay for more access one round while I was making people pay for Cargo stuff. One of us had that EVOC scanner thing thrown at our face multiple times in a shift and I had an IED thrown at me. It was great. I tried to incorporate elements of both stations so that a few people would understand here and those who are familiar to Goon would understand as well as there's many many common elements. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dapocalypse Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 This is a great guide on being an above and beyond HOP. This includes directions to even correcting NT's mistakes making the nt rep proud. This has great instructions of improving the cargo techs by punishment. Overall it also allows the HOP to find his true purpose. Id reccomend this to all new HOPs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dapocalypse Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 One critisism I do have is not killing Ian. He is a malicios force sent by the devil himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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