FalseIncarnate Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) Pet Rocks: The Perfect Pet! Congratulations on taking the first step towards responsible pet ownership! While we here at Nanotrasen's Pet Division know there are a large number of potential pets, we can guarantee* that none are nearly as exciting and lovable as the ever-loyal Pet Rock! [spoiler2]* This guarantee is universally exempt from challenge in any court of law, basketball court, courtship rituals, and Switzerland. * Guarantee void outside the exact center of Sol, and may be subject to additional conditions inside Sol.[/spoiler2] Section 1: A Brief History of Pet Rocks. Since time immemorial, the universe has been inhabited by rocks of all shapes, sizes, colors, and mineral compositions. A long-lived and hardy species, rocks have successfully integrated into nearly every civilization and thrive within. Due to their loyal nature and exceptional obedience, rocks were quickly domesticated and became the very foundations of many galaxy-spanning civilizations in a wide-variety of roles. Most notably, however, they have been deemed the "perfect pet" by some of the most knowledgeable individuals, and have been widely adopted as Pet Rocks for multiple millenniums*. [spoiler2]* Exact date of the first Pet Rock's adoption is up for debate, but scholars agree that it was "a really really long time ago or something."[/spoiler2] Section 2: The Unique Biology of Pet Rocks. Rocks are amazing creatures, featuring one of the most unique anatomical and biological structures ever observed. Despite the presence of ANY organs, sensory faculties, or even recorded sentience, they have managed to inhabit nearly every planet and asteroid belt in existence. Moreover, their unique structure has made them resilient against even the most virulent of pathogens and insidious toxins, a trait that has been coveted by many and to which the rock owes it's amazingly long life-span. Rocks, despite lacking obvious reproductive organs, also are able to reproduce in a unique manner. Asexual beings by nature, rocks reproduce by a process similar to mitosis, in which the "parent" rock creates offspring that splits off from it into a separate entity. This process occurs naturally over an extended duration, colloquially refered to as "erosion", in which the parent slowly reduces it's own personal mass as it releases hundreds of smaller offspring that are sometimes called "pebbles", "shards", "chips", or "sand". Careless miners have been often injured when the offspring of a rock they mistakenly attacked have attacked in the defense or in revenge for their parent's injuries. Rocks also seem to possess a unique biological function that has been likened to a natural cryostasis. In the absence of suitable foods, rocks have been observed as being able to suspend their digestive systems indefinitely, leading less-scientifically inclined individuals to believe that rocks simply do not require food to survive. This is in fact a falsehood, as rocks are naturally a voracious carnivore, and among some of the most dangerous of predators to have ever existed. Luckily, they are incredibly picky eaters, and have developed a strong bond of loyalty with many races that exempts it's members from the rock's seemingly insatiable appetite*. [spoiler2]* Do note, that there have been many recorded instances in which rocks, both wild and domesticated, have attacked members of these races. This unusually aggressive behavior has been deemed abnormal and is suspected to be a result of severe distress. Rocks are incredibly dangerous entities and should be handled with respect and care to avoid them lashing out in self-defense.[/spoiler2] Section 3: Pet Rock Care and Grooming. Much like cats and a number of other pets, Rocks require little to no external grooming. When undisturbed, they will typically groom themselves of most of their natural irritants. Dust, contrary to popular belief, is not actually a sign of filth for rocks. In fact, the dust is actually a naturally secreted compound that acts as a sort of repellent for further filth, released from the rock's hide to create a shielding layer to maintain it's cleanliness over time. Should your pet rock ever become exceptionally dirty, or should you wish to aid it's grooming process (perhaps in anticipation of company or entry into a pet show), only a gentle rubbing under some running water is necessary, while soap or space cleaner will clean your pet rock and leave it with a brief yet pleasing fragrance. Regardless of the method used to clean the rock, it will always display affection and gratitude for the assistance and attention it has received. All pet rocks have been thoroughly house-trained and given standard health examinations before being placed up for adoption by crew, so there will be no need for you to worry about either of these upon adoption. However, it is suggested that you instruct your new pet rock on an acceptable location for it to do it's business, as to avoid accidents when it simply cannot hold it in any longer. Recommended locations from experienced pet rock owners are "the bathroom", "in a potted plant", "in the pasture", and "on the captain's desk", however we encourage you to designated whatever location will be most convenient for you and your rock. While Pet Rocks are quite notable in their docility, new owners are advised to keep an eye on their rock for the first day. The new surroundings may cause excessive excitability in the rock which can lead to a wide variety of issues such as accidental damages to the workplace, running away (usually they migrate towards the disposal outlet in cargo for an unknown reason), and rarely outbursts of violent behavior. Pet rocks tend to share an almost empathetic bond with their owner and have been shown to react to people in a way that mirrors the owner's disposition towards the individual. Therefore, until your pet rock has fully adjusted to it's new home, it is recommended that you attempt to prevent it from being near people you dislike as to avoid any accidental attacks. Remember: the rock is an alpha predator, and has been scientifically proven to feel no remorse. Before being adopted, all pet rocks are fed to ensure their owner will not need to hurry and locate food for the rock they just adopted. This is fortunate, because as mentioned above, pet rocks are very picky eaters, and locating their preferred food is quite difficult. Also, rocks tend to experience frequent and unpredictable changes of taste, meaning they will quickly grow bored of a meal and thus refuse to eat it. As such, new owners are encouraged to offer their pet rock various types of food until the current preference is located. Simply place the food on a table or floor, then place the rock beside it and wait. Should it be correct, the rock will voraciously devour the meal, assuming the rock is hungry. Should your rock ignore the food, they may simply be not hungry or it is not their current taste. Don't be disheartened if you cannot locate their taste, the chef is likely to blame and needs to be fired for failing to provide food of exceptional quality. Section 4: Training Your Rock. Pet Rocks are exceptionally loyal and obedient, with an intelligence that has been recorded as surpassing that of various crew members. It is possible to train pet rocks to perform a variety of actions and tricks, assuming the owner/trainer is patient. Sit: This one of the simplest commands to teach your pet rock, as they already know the associated action. Simply state "Sit." in a firm yet calm tone, with an optional hand gesture of a single finger pointing to the floor. Pet rocks will nearly always learn this command on the first attempt, though should the rock fail to sit, make sure to remain calm so as not to add anger to your tone. Repeat the command, this time with the rock's name before it, such as "Fred, sit." and the rock will surely comply this time. Down / Lay Down: This is another simple command to instruct, and has similar success to the "Sit" command in how quickly the rock will learn it. For this command, make a firm gesture of an open palm facing the floor, then lower the hand slightly as if pushing something down as you firmly state "Down." or "Lay Down." in a calm tone. It may be difficult to tell if your rock has successfully followed the command, so owners are encouraged to closely inspect their pet rock to determine if it is actually laying down. Repeating the command while the rock is already laying down will confuse them, and undo the previous training of the command as the rock will believe they did the command incorrectly. Patience is key for retraining should this confusion occur. Stay: This is an important command for pet rocks to learn, so as to avoid them wandering into the more dangerous sections of the station. Simply extend an open palm towards the rock, as if to push someone back and state "Stay." Rarely are rocks observed to disobey this order of their own volition, and will stay where they were indefinitely unless extraordinary circumstances or an outside force causes a need for them to move. Should you return after having given this command and leaving to find your rock has moved, it is not encouraged to scold the rock for it's disobedience. Instead, approach the rock in a calm, even soothing manner, and provide it with a gentle rub and kind words, as being forced to disobey orders causes an immense guilt in the rock's psyche. Remember: rocks will only disobey a "Stay" command under the most dire of circumstances or involuntarily due to outside forces. Punishing them for something outside their control is just cruel. GET DAT FUKKEN DISC: This is a very advanced command, and typically takes years to train. It has been included in this guide as an example of the intelligence and potential of rocks. For obvious security reasons, we cannot provide comprehensive instructions for training this command, however we assure you that a number of Pet Rocks have been trained to do this successfully. We do not encourage you to spend your time on board the Cyberiad attempting to teach this command, as you likely have more important duties (such as your JOB!) to attend to. This is just a small fraction of the tricks and commands that owners have trained their pet rocks to perform, and is by no means complete. Using your creativity and your pet rock's obedient nature, you can train your rock in a wide variety of tasks such as drug detection, tracking fugitives, fetching the morning paper and your slippers, back-flips, singing, paperwork, and even Class 8 hazardous materials handling. Conclusion Thank you for reading our Comprehensive Guide to Pet Rocks, a primer for pet rock care. Should you have any tips of your own that you would like to share, or should we have missed a topic you would like covered, please comment below and we will have our interns respond as quickly as possible! Edited June 17, 2015 by Guest 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KasparoVv Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Exceptionally well written, lmao. Amazing work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anxipal Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Oh wow, that was great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fj45 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 A pet rock is the best rock and anyone that disagrees shall be stoned! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinatacolada Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Can't wait to see a nuke ops with an op yelling at his pet rock to find the disk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sasanek12 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Did you find the disk, Rocky Rock? Good Boy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FalseIncarnate Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 Can't wait to see a nuke ops with an op yelling at his pet rock to find the disk SYNDICATE MAJOR VICTORY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
improvedname Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Fred is a very good boxer :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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