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How to: Be a Comdom


necaladun

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So, wanna know how to be a complete comdom? Worried you might be a good head? Read on, follow these tips, and the crew will be demanding you be lynched in no time!

 

Comdom: A portmanteau of "Command" and "Condom", it's slang for a head of staff who is an idiot. Often screamed 4noraison, but generally deserved, it's what NT is known for in leadership!

 

 

Now, you've selected a head of staff role. This gets you a shiny ID card, access to the bridge, a telebaton, and command channel. You're expected to know almost everything about your department, and be able to lead and have authority over them - show them wrong!

 

The first thing you should do is completely ignore your entire department. It's best you leave it all together. (The CE is an exception here - throw yourself into the sing at once!). Don't even bother talking to them - you have command channel, you're too good for those plebs. May as well turn off your department channel.

 

As a Comdom, the whole station, not just your department, is yours. Walk around into everyone elses departments, even if you don't have access. If you're the HoP, just give yourself access!

 

Remind people of your position. Give orders to everyone and everything you can, and if they don't obey - beat them with your baton! Spacelaw is for those non-command plebs. You're immune to it! If security think otherwise, they're rouge.

 

Now, things will eventually go wrong in your department, and you'll be blamed - which is stupid, as you haven't even been there, so it can't be your fault. Find the first member of it you can, blame them, and fire them. Speaking of firing - you can fire people in your department. It's best to do so as soon as possible to let people know you're boss. Beat them with a telebaton if they ask questions like, "Why?" or "Who are you anyway?".

 

If you're not going to follow the advice and actually stay in your department, remember this one thing: It's your department, and is there for your own gain. RD? Make yourself shiny toys and DO NOT SHARE. CMO? Drugs and genetic powers ahoy! HoS? Gunsgunsguns.

 

Now, the supreme Comdom of them all is the Captain. Here's a few special tips:

 

Firstly - place the disk somewhere easy to get in case of emergency, like on the bridge, or in the bar. Or just ignore it all together.

Secondly - Smash the case to your fancy gun, and take it out. You'll never need non-lethals.

Thirdly - Full armour. All the time. No exceptions.

Fourth - Give yourself a fancy title like "God emperor of NT".

 

These a mandatory for ALL Comdoms. A few optional things:

 

Invent new space laws! They're just a guideline anyway, right? Execute the clown, have the HoS borged, then have him locked down!

 

Just leave the station. Gateway, space pod, whatever. Take some fancy toys and scoot!

 

Try to be silent the whole round. Hell, ditch your headset. Communication is for the unrobust.

 

Execute those who call you a comdom, of course.

 

 

Now, should you follow these steps, you should be well on your way to a job ban and/or lynching. Best of luck out there!

 

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I hate to be the no-fun-allowed guy, but oh boy i can already see the influx of komdoms, so before it happens lemme say that

THIS GUIDE IS JUST A JOKE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

If you try to be a smartass by being a shitlord and then excusing yourself with "BUT I IS FOLLOING GUID WRITEN BY HEADMUN" then yer gonna git ban'd even harder.

 

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Or do communicate, and fill the command channel and main channel with drivel.

Also, to be great as Captain, play a supercop sec officer.

 

Only if there is heaps of security. If there isn't any security though, you shouldn't at all do with criminals. Let them have free reign! That'll teach sec for not showing up!

 

Give the AI godamn awful laws!

 

 

This almost could be it's own section but indeed yes - the laws NT sent are obviously just there to get in the way of the true masters of the station, command. Rewrite the laws as often as you can, in the most complicated ways. Then add a few dozen extra meaningless laws.

 

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You are the most important person on the station, hire random civilians as personal bodyguards. Arm them with riot gear and all access.

 

Entirety of armory should be relocated into your office at round start for easy gearing of your guards.

 

Leave the disk on your desk. If nukeops come you must run to it and put it in your pocket before going SSD, if they have taken it from your SSD body when you come back, you must spam ahelps about them breaking rules. Admins never pay attention to anything so be sure to send multiple ahelps [spoiler2]per second[/spoiler2] with all caps and as many swears as you can fit in your message.

 

Never proofread your shitty laws before uploading them to the AI. What could go wrong?

 

Your time is most valuable, feel free to use shortened netspeak for the few times you are forced to communicate with someone. "lol ur cop u cant arrest me noob"

 

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As CMO, it is your duty to drain the chem machines to fill your hypospray with chloral hydrate, it is your responsibility to go around giving small pricks to anyone and everyone, it is your burden to telebaton them straight to the brig!

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Please, if you suspect a Captain may be a comdom, make them fill out this form and fax it to Centcomm. An ERT will be sent to deal with him if he violates it.

 

 

 

[b][large]Anticomdomancy Contract[/large][/b][hr]

I, [field], hereby swear that, during my time as Captain of the NCS Cyberiad, I will not engage in any activities that may label me as a 'Comdom', 'Condom', or other derogatory term. These activites include, but are not limited to:

  • Changing my title to 'King', 'Emperor', 'God', or anything other than 'Captain'
  • Approving all-access for any Non-loyalty-implanted persons.
  • Open carry of lethal weapons during non-red-alert times.
  • Telling any department how to do their job when the crew does not have complaints against them.
  • Not signing this form.
  • Executing any crew without cause or due processes.
  • Changing the AIs laws excessively.
  • Calling an ERT then treating them like your personal army.
  • Abusing the Communicator to send pointless messages.

[br]

As Captain I verify I have read the above-written information and give my signature, [field], and my stamp of authenticity. I understand that violation of this contract will subject me to the full extent of space vigilante justice, including and up to being lynched or turned into a monkey.

 

 

 

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Joined late and someone has your job? How DARE they?

"Politely" ask them to return your *Read, YOUR, not the station's* belongings, then brig them for insubordination, along with the HoP! That'll teach him to assign somebody to YOUR job!

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

Missed a spot there. Even if it is a little late.

 

If a person has powers, be sure to bash their skull in ASAP. No exceptions. Remember that because they're not part of NanoTrasen they must be cold blooded murderers, and they must have done something wrong, right?

 

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The gateway is to be bolted at all times and no one is allowed EVA access. The gateway will always have highly dangerous weapons that can be used to end your reign of comdomcy and should be closed at all times. If the RD insists on opening the gateway for science, he's most likely a traitor and should be spaced ASAP.

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The lockbox the RD wants you to unlock is clearly a trap laid by the syndicate, make sure to pull him into interrogation and teach him the true meaning of your Chain of Command.

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  • 4 years later...
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