An Epic Medical Saga

[Splgrk]

So, 20 minutes into the shift, fastmos throws a floor tile at me and breaks a bone. I go into surgery, as one would.

I wake up and the surgeon proudly proclaims that he IMPROVED my hands. By replacing them with monkey arms.

I demand my own hands back, as this wasn't even a hand operation, and he refuses. So I text Internal affairs and the CMO.

The surgeon still refuses, but now claims that I actually consented to this operation. I deny that and the surgeon gets fired.

So far, normal medical misshap, one might think.

 

Except this is where things really start.

The CMO puts my old hands back. Except by now, they have rotted. I die during surgery, still unconscious, from massive infection. She tries to drag my body to the defib to bring me back, except at that moment, WORMHOLES open and my body falls through and to engineering.

Eventually, someone discovery my rotting body.

I'm brought to medbay and cloned. Except something goes wrong during the cloning process.

I wake up naked, brain damaged and... blind.

No worries, says the CMO, just some oculine. The oculine doesn't help.

Must be genetic then! Nope, resetting my genes does nothing either.

Wait, where my eyes always a dark red? No, they used to be blue...

Turns out, I was cloned without eyes.

So I'm brought to surgery, where monkey's eyes are removed.

Except... the monkey's eyes can't be put into my sockets. Because, even though I don't have eyse, there is no room for eyes in my eyes.

Turns out that's the wrong way to do that surgery.

Second time, the surgeon slips and breaks my skull. Also, I'm losing a lot of blood.

The shuttle is called.Finally, third attempt, the new eyes go in.

Skull still broken, I'm dragged out and into the tubes.

Back for another surgery. This time without anesthetic, so the surgeon slips four times. Blood loss is adding up again, so I'm now dizzy and getting brain damage.

But the shuttle is here now, so enough surgery for today.

Total time spent on this odyssey of surgery: over 90 minutes. For a tile to the chest.

 

This may have been the most SS13 shift of all shifts ever.

[Calecute]

That fucking TAU was beyond believe, really wished sec had put him in perma with no radio while the normal brig was being fixed and forgot him there. CMO was also too soft on him. Sec wasted a lot of time with that prick. He also tried to kidnap someone after that, he and his buddy syringed gunned an officer and crowbared them resisting arrest, and his buddy suicided on being caught.