Hello to everyone willing to take the time to read this post.
First and foremost I want to make clear that anything said within this post is not meant to be offensive or directed towards anyone in a destructive manner.
With that in mind, please take what I say with a grain of salt and see it as a personal opinion.
I'd like to start off with a little bit of context:
A week or so ago I was a traitor. Round went well, and so far I had murdered one guy while there were some power issues.
Because I'm a genuine idiot I did not clean up the the mess resolving in Security finding evidence on my murder. Everything went like a regular arrest, I was taken to interrogation and questioned.
I was to be put in perma, which is fine, but things turned out quite differently than I had thought they would.
Now, several days before this a relative died and it made me act and feel differently than I normally would. I had received an antag-role the same day of his death, and I had a-helped to find a solution. Long story short - I agreed to have my antag role taken away as I was not able to fully commit to it and I was afraid I'd act in a manner that I would regret later.
By some miracle I was given yet another antag role several days later and I had decided I could (probably) take it on that time without being a twat. Dear Lord was I wrong..
So, in a passive-aggressive manner I then told the man who was about to put me in perma that he should let me keep my gloves ( of the north star ) so I could kill myself quicker and be done with it rather than sit in a cell ( which I normally never find all that bad, but considering my state of mind, I did at that time. ).
He ( obviously ) did not agree, and then, instead of perma, put me in solitary with a constant suicide watch.
At first I was just frustrated, but not to the point it disrupted anything. Tried to uncuff myself to beat myself to death IC, but he came back to taze me and once again cuff me, followed by a straight jacket.
This then repeated itself for a good 30 minutes with me getting increasingly annoyed and angry with said person.
Now this is where I went wrong and began to repeatedly cuss and shout at the officer. At the time all this just felt like a personal attack on me to troll me, but I just couldn't calm myself down.
I even a-helped to ask if such a thing was okay, and to my surprise, it was. It does make me wonder.. is it okay to deny someone's will to leave the game when they're put in perma/solitary?
I found it to be unfair how he treated me considering I simply wished to just leave the IC and spectate for the rest of the round. Especially considering he was goating me about the whole situation and making some nasty comments about how it was for my " own safety, sir ", which just ended up provoking more out of me.
I do want to ask you as a reader, and a neutral person in this subject;
Was I the one to blame for going through a round as an antag ( or at all ) while in a weakened state of mind, and not correctly being able to think about the situation while being very rude to Security?
Was this Officer just being a royal dickhead with his way of treating/handling me?
Were we both at fault for the reasons I've given and/or any reason that you think of?
What are your thoughts behind your answers and why do you think about your answer in that way?
Whatever your answers were ( or not ) I'd like to thank you for your patience and willingness to continue reading & helping me come to peace with this.
The last bit is an apology I'd like to make to the HoS of that round in question. Nobody will probably know who that was, and the HoS of that round will probably have forgotten all about this, but I still feel bad about how I treated him and I want to apologise to him/her, even if he/she will never even see the light of this post.
The treatment I gave the Officer who was handling me, I also gave to the HoS. Cussing and shouting at him whenever he came to restrain ( but did provoke ) me again instead of the other officer.
During the whole time this period lasted and having me cussing at the HoS, the HoS remained calm and never retaliated, cussed back or even attempted to do anything back.
Instead, he would continuously try to help me to find a way. Offering me the possibility of having an audience with the Magistrate. Politely asking Sec to have me put in a sleeper. And lastly to write "suicide" into the command bar.
To whoever played the HoS that round, I am deeply sorry for my behaviour towards you. I'd also like to thank you for your constant help and your ability to keep a cool head during this situation. You're a bloody HERO!
Once again I'd like to thank everyone who has read through my post and to anyone willing to talk with me about this.