TullyBBurnalot
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Posts posted by TullyBBurnalot
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Beg pardon if this was already said, but I haven't seen it, and I felt as if this much needed to be pointed out:
As someone who's been around with the Admin Staff since around early 2015, I can confirm that while we don't necessarily have a fixed policy on Notes (as we never really had fixed policy on most of anything), we've never shied away from sharing relevant Notes with the player they were written about; provided there was an actual reason to do so. This could include, but not be limited to:
- Ban Appeals/Admin Complaints where the exact content of a Note is relevant, usually when it describes a given event
- Requests for a change to a given Note should the person in question want to/prove that it is warranted
- Any given exceptional circumstance deemed legitimate enough after a player contacts a Head of Staff
Now, this might seem extremely flexible, and to a degree, it's designed to be. Every Admin writes Notes differently and on a different tone (mine, for instance, tend to be clinical and somewhat standardized, whereas someone like Dumbumn's might be small essays with a full description of events), on different situations and with different levels of what constitutes something "noteworthy", with variation even within the same Admin depending on extraneous factors (e.g, no one's going to Note down a civilian for breaking into Security to take their guns if all of Security is dead and there's a Xenomorph/Terror Spoder infestation; remove the infestation and we very well just might).
When it comes to revealing Notes, however, there's a point to be made that "secrecy for the sake of secrecy" is hardly the reason why those are hidden from players beyond the one they're relevant to (see above). Just a few off the top of my head:
- No one but the player in question has any actual reason to know the Notes of any other player. Like, at all. Those are Notes referring to things the Admins have found worthy enough to remember that apply only to this player. This, of course, only applies to the more radical "All Notes For Everyone" approach, but at the end of the day, it merely pushes the secrecy line one step forward, with the player now having to be the one to keep the Notes secret, unless they wish to see them go public. Additionally, this can very easily end up in a situation where a player's Notes affect the way that other people react to them, colouring their attitude and impression. This can be easily avoided by the player never revealing their Notes to anyone, which... well, see above for why all that does is gently nudge the goalposts. And how we already give people Notes if they have an actual reason to;
- Even with Notes being fully visible only to the relevant player, it should be noted that Notes are not an analogue to a criminal record. There's a good reason why we keep the Ban Appeals Accepted/Declined section public, because that is what ultimately ends up being a player's record. Notes, as the name implies, are often little more than footnotes kept in place to help the Admin staff make their decisions on any actual punishment/reward;
- On a more "selfish" perspective, as I'm sure most here are aware, SS13 has a rather active community on Reddit, which tends to veer towards the "less than civil", often with direct attacks on our server and its admin staff (and by often, read "mostly constantly over the past several years"). Considering that our Staff have been harassed, belittled, insulted and just out-and-out treated like complete shit, we can 100% see something like fully visible notes ending up giving even more ammunition to people who have been extremely vitriolic to us over far less. We'd rather not have our Admin staff think "How will this look like on the subreddit when I write it down?";
- Semi-related to the above, Notes are often very, very informal, not at all like the Ban Reasons you often see on the Appeals section. While Alffd has noted on the associated PR that he doesn't think this will lead to a situation where people will want to appeal Notes, because the system would just make him outright ban instead of spending time Note'ing people down, the fact of the matter is, thousands upon thousands of Notes exist. If we allow Bans to be appealed, there's no real reason not to let Notes be appealed for the sake of fairness, and quite honestly, considering that Notes often refer to very, very specific incidents, allowing players to contest Notes would grind down Admin bureaucracy to a complete halt. Not to mention what Alffd said to begin with: it becomes easier to just ban someone than it is to potentially open up a door for a Note contention
TL;DR: We already give people their exact Notes if they have an actual need for them, providing full transparency opens far more cans of worms than it solves problems
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Seven employees assigned to scientific research, not counting the Research Director. One Vox, five Humans, one IPC; Research Director seems to be a Slime Person.
This might take a while.
The security records take far longer than what I was used to back at the academy; turns out the company skipped on installing a system with good bandwidth, or maybe it's the computer probably being several years out of date and filled with trash data. The thing is linked to a printer halfway across the room; it's faster to just order up eight print jobs and wait, especially since I'd just need a physical copy anyway.
"Attention. Task complete," the janiborg beeps, far too loudly, "have a productive day."
And it's off, leaving a trail of soapy bubbles along the carpet, and a far-too-wet coat on the floor; spare trenchcoat it is, then.Three of the Humans have clean records, along with the IPC, leaving the Research Director, the Vox and two more of my kind; the latter three assigned to Toxins Weapon Testing, Chemical Research and Xenobiology, respectively. Closer inspection is required...
Employee Name: Kritichita
Employee Assignment: NanoTrasen Science Development, Toxins Weapon Testing
Employee Clearance Level: Green-3 (previously Green-1, see below)
Employee Criminal Record:
- 5 counts of Battery;
- 3 counts of Aggravated Assault (clearance level lowered to Green-1 on last recorded incident)
- 10 counts of Indecent Exposure (clearance level lowered to Green-2 on fifth recorded incident)
Additional Notes:
- Confirmed association with Sanderson Robotics while under contract; corporate espionage ruled out following investigation
- Under consideration for termination of contract
Employee Name: Bloploobla Qoo'ryua
Employee Assignment: NanoTrasen Science Development, On-Site Research Director
Employee Clearance Level: Red-1
Employee Criminal Record:
- 1 count of Grand Sabotage (deliberate release of a Singularity engine aboard the NSS Damocles. Further investigation revealed that the release had been done with the use of a confiscated Singularity beacon, teleported into an area infested with Xenomorph Bioforms, as a means of eliminating an out-of-control infestation);
- 1 count of Manslaughter (related to the above, excessive use of force against the on-site Chief Engineer which ended in their death. Due to extreme circumstances, security clearance level was not altered)
Additional Notes:
- Suspected association with Syndicate shell company "Kirdan Industrial Alloys", currently under investigation
Employee Name: Cynthia D.M. Mavor
Employee Assignment: NanoTrasen Science Development, Chemical Research
Employee Clearance Level: Green-2
Employee Criminal Record:
- 15 counts of Creation of a Workplace Hazard, all of which due to reckless, out-of-protocol experimentation in their line of work
Additional Notes:
- Previously considered for clearance level upgrade before reckless tendencies were recorded. Kept at Green-2 until first confirmed instance of maliciously destructive behavior, to be downgraded to Green-3 on such an occasion
Employee Name: Jack P. Sorden
Employee Assignment: NanoTrasen Science Development, Xenobiological Research
Employee Clearance Level: Blue-1
Employee Criminal Record:
- 1 count of Creation of a Workplace Hazard (further investigation revealed the safety hatch on the slime pens was of a defective model)
Additional Notes:
- Stellar conduct and frequent cooperation with Security forces, both on the NSS Cyberiad and previously on the NSS Sundown. Clearance level elevated to maximum permissible for non-Command personnel
The Vox was a no-go, far too obvious an agent to use, and most likely the first to be suspected of any wrongdoing. The Research Director being involved with Kirdan Alloys makes it too obvious; why would the Syndicate request someone who's been linked to them to conduct an assassination aboard one of NanoTrasen's newest (and most heavily guarded) stations?
Still worth checking out.
The Chemist is an obvious choice; could disguise malicious experimentation under the guise of a lack of care for safety protocol. But that last one... the Sundown. A perfect record, a single excusable incident, and cleaner than a fresh bar of soap. A perfect candidate to use, the perfect sleeper agent that no one would suspect.
Or maybe it was just what it looked like. Regardless.
"HoS?" I call out via the radio, "I need you in my office, please."
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CASE DESIGNATE: XT-4885 ROMEO
POINT OF ORIGIN: UNKNOWN, SUSPECTED SYNDICATE INVOLVEMENT
CASE CLASS: BIOTERROR WEAPON, CLASS-15 VIRAL AGENT
--- AVAILABLE INFORMATION FOLLOWS ---
Case Designate XT-4885 Romeo, commonly referred to as "Gibbington's Disease" or "Gibbinton's Illness", is a highly virulent, airborne, blood-borne, artificial pathogen frequently used in terrorist actions undertaken by the Syndicate. It has a short incubation period (<5 minutes) and presents as asymptomatic until approximately thirty seconds before death. At this stage, rapid cellular mitosis, coupled with abnormally high production of waste gas, create a marked increase in internal pressure in the infected organism, as well as acute, full-body sensations of pain. This invariably ends with said organism suffering complete structural failure as the pressure reaches a breaking point. If not treated before reaching this stage, death is to be considered unavoidable. Pathogen does not survive for long outside the human body (<1 minute), rendering explosion sites safe for clean-up without the use of biohazard equipment.
QUARANTINE PROCEDURES: Confirmed presence of XT-4885 Romeo in any given location requires activation of Quarantine Protocol Delta-6. All infected individuals are to be placed in individual quarantine cells, and euthanized if a cure cannot be developed before the final stage is reached. No contact with infected individuals is permitted once the final stage is reached. In the event of infection rates reaching 60% or more, EPSILON QUARANTINE will be activated.
--- AVAILABLE INFORMATION ENDS HERE ---
Description matched. Blood splattered everywhere; splatter pattern points towards the chair taking most of the brunt for the backwards blast, with the rest funneled outwards. Use of pathogen made no sense; why use a bioterror weapon in a secluded, isolated location, with a single individual? Why not infect them and let them head to Medbay for the pain? All in all, a convoluted plan for a single-target assassination, not to mention one with a high chance of backfiring.
The forensic scanner beeps quietly when I turn it on, holographic grids stretching across the walls as I point it towards the various bits of artistic gore, hoping to only find a single DNA match.
*beep*
DNA STRING IDENTIFIED: a45asv843gja5hgpt54872apg8
STRING MATCH: Taylor T. Kraster
Taylor Kraster, age 27. Cargo Technician, hired three months previously, no previous work experience with NanoTrasen.
No clone bank backup. Curious.
The sliding wall is the next target. I roll it shut, inspecting the hinges, the area around them, the edges, top and bottom, every inch I could find; nothing in terms of prints, no organic material for a DNA check. The scanner beeps once again, the hologrid highlighting a small square by the topmost hinge.
A cloth fiber, purple.
Figures.
Return to the room and take as many pictures as could be taken without feeling the need to vomit again. Six of the chair, twelve of the splatter, three of the door. Turn around and call in for the Physician to clean up what remained of the corpse, maybe find enough brain matter to try at an imperfect copy for the sake of whatever family there was. I step out through the holobarrier, lighting another cigarette, hoping the smell would go away. It follows me out of the maintenance tunnels and into my office, half a station away, forcing me to throw my coat into the corner and call a janiborg to scrub it down.
A highly virulent bioweapon, and purple cloth fibers. Why that department kept being given funding for chemical experimentation was (and still is) beyond me.
But it was a lead, at least.
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I walk into the corridor and nearly vomit.
The smell is strong, pungent, overpowering; enough that the stench of low-quality tobacco couldn't begin to compare. I'm forced to bring a sleeve to my face, cover my nose to stop my body from trying to get rid of that smell at the same time as it made room in my stomach. They didn't tell me this would happen; the brochures painted a much different picture.
Bright lights and an officer standing by a sliding wall, baton at the ready and taser set to blue, covered head to toe in bloody riot gear with a few hints of viscera trapped in the more angular edges. He doesn't flinch, doesn't even nod, instead opting to turn aside and let me pass through the holobarrier. I recognized this place from the blueprints: an abandoned surgical room, once linked to the checkpoint before the company got rid of the customs program. A "haven for corpse disposal", as it was labelled. I could see why.
Isolated, no lights, fully walled off. Lacking in any useful materials beyond an obsolete sleeper that an enterprising physician may want to cannibalize. Without anyone manning the checkpoint nearby, it was child's play to break in and install a fake wall only you would know about. Full of cobwebs, rarely traversed, an easy spot to get rid of evidence.
Whoever did was was... resourceful. Not very creative, but resourceful.
Turn the corner and enter the room, brightly-lit by borrowed floodlights. Vomit profusely, coating the walls with a sickly, green, granular paste that only added to the stench. They don't tell you this happens. No one would sign up otherwise.
There was very little of what used to be a person left on the chair; what remained was smeared onto the upholstery like a fleshy beehive, flattened and splattered by high-velocity impact, coating the thing in a collection of bone, sinew and bile. The ground and walls in front of it were covered in the same mixture; barring a small spot where the officer had been.
He could use a drink. Mental note.
Look around, and nothing else. The sleeper was long gone; the tables deconstructed. Just walls, floor and a ceiling, a chair to keep the victim, no light for them to see themselves. No hope of rescue.
Who did this?
"Detective Karl-wait, you're not Karloff."
I turn around. Patrick Harkness, Head of Security. Stellar record, if reckless and prone to directing from the front. Penchant for coating every pair of boots he owned with duct tape to mask the sound of his otherwise heavy footsteps.
He barely flinches at the sight. How?
"S-sorry, I'm the new forensic technician assi-"
"New detective, right, sure," he interrupts me, all-but shoving me aside to take a look at the art installation, "Gibbington's. Of course."
Gibbington's?
"Jake, warn Medbay we may have an airborne viral," he yells back at the officer outside, "then get some rest after you take a shower, we're gonna need the armor. Any leads?"
The last words are directed to me. I drop my scanner, barely catching it in time before it gets coated in evidence, hastily pointing it towards the not-corpse in a vain effort to look like I knew what I was doing.
"... you're new, aren't you?"
I swallow, barely able to. I feel like vomiting, but to say nothing would just make it worse.
"S-sorry, sir. Not used to... this."
"Well get used to it. Ain't the worst you'll see. Once you have a report on the crime scene, drop it by my desk, even if you find nothing" - he turns to leave, before giving me one final glance - "what's your name again?"
I look at my ID; I had genuinely forgotten.
"B-Bright, sir. Jonah Bright."
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Esteemed
Mr. ShawMr. O'ShawMr. Shaw,It has recently come to my attention that the Trurl's legal division has had a series of reports filed about you that were never followed through after being deemed as "frivolous", "superfluous" and, on at least one occasion, "idiotic beyond all measure". Thankfully, being the resourceful, dashing rogue that I am, I managed to "acquire" these reports and give them a thorough read. I was left with a single, burning question, something I absolutely must know:
Why do you flex if you have no muscles?
Best wishes and a continuation of a great day.
Sincerely,
- Communications Officer
JenkinsO'HaraPS: If you lick your microphone with it on again, I swear to all that's good and holy that I'm going to fire a
fuckingdamn BSA shell at you, insurance premiums be damned. -
@necaladun
A) Add morgue tray/trays to, say, a backroom near the armory
B) Add cremator usage in the Full-Power Vampires/Changalangs caveats in Spess Law.
All-in-all, doable, since it's already done anyway. -
On 3/27/2019 at 5:12 PM, TheClosetMailman said:
Dear Comrade
We must unite together to defeat the true menace, incompent security officers, without arms, we cannot complete great leader
FrancoTetra`s dreams of creating a truly prospering police-state abroad the Cyberiad, truly free of catgirls and mimes! Where clowns and chemist hold hands and Ian is given a CentComm Cap.We must up our standards for the
bluered brigade, make them not only represent the people, but Nanotrasien as well!
I suggest it becomes mandatory tobe a member of CEDAhave proven their worth for Nanotrasien by cooperating with us for, say, a few hours at least.Together, we can unite against
the silent unionworkplace inefficiency and superior security measures.Sincerely, the spaniard spacer with a female name despite being male.
I've... taken the liberty of redirecting this message to the Trurl's Psychological Evaluation Department.
A representative will be with you shortly. Please do not resist.
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On 3/26/2019 at 9:10 AM, Danny Glands said:
Dear Sir:
Why is the HONK exosuit even in the fabricator blueprint files? Everyone knows that that monstrosity is an assault on proper station operation, and honestly, it's an affront to good taste.
Anonymous Robot Engineer
Company policy obligates me to inform you that we like our clowns and wish for them to have a good time, bless the Honkmother. pleasehelp
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1 hour ago, ReynTheLord said:
To: Central Command
From: A concerned security officer
Subject: Dress code, Regulations, Retards and Dumbasses
"Recently, I've noticed that security has been much more lenient over... more insane outfits. Someone came to work in a chicken suit and kept the damn mask on the entire shift! Plus, I've had to deal with visitors constantly raiding workplaces, and occasionally killing other visitors or workers! Cargo workers seem to have problems with kleptomania, My Fellow officers are Insane, The botanist is always growing narcotics, and Don't get me STARTED about the chaplains i've had to deal with. Will you consider stricter psychological and medical checkups and requirements for workers here, or at least better equip security, Or do you have any advice on how to make this situation better ourselves?"
Greetings, Mr. Concerned,
I'm almost certain I've answered a question like this before, but I'll repeat myself just in case: ultimately, it is cheaper for us to deal with the fallout of occasionally hiring/inviting mentally unbalanced individuals than it is to institute a company-wide psychological vetting process; I'm sure you can imagine that logistics and bureaucracy get a tiny bit complicated when your organization operates on a literally galactic scale. So we just hire a few crazies every once in a while, pay off the lawsuits, provide clones when needed, and that's still a drop in the fucking ocean that would be a proper psych eval vetting system.
As for advice, I dunno, ask Hydroponics for some Ambrosia? Just don't get caught smoking it, we're only technically allowed to grow it thanks to some legal fiction about "medical research".
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10 minutes ago, Splgrk said:
For the record, SINA- was never on Mars, doesn't know anything about explosives and any records of her being near any bar in 2498 are expunged.
I wasn't even talking about you, but since you seem so inclined to deny any involvement, I'll make sure to notify Internal Affairs.
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22 hours ago, Splgrk said:
To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected]
From: SINA-, Warden ([email protected])
Subject: IPC bodies
Hey Jenkins,I know you said no the last 16 times I asked, but can I bring one of my own bodies to work next shift? The standard IPC bodies that Nanotrasen provides us electronic employees are total shit. I work security, I need armor. Not plastic that somehow manages to fall apart when hit by EMP. I mean, I understand you won't let me use my SolGov Special Forces body because of the orbital drop pack and the rocket launchers, but I have one that I built myself that has an inbuilt rapid-fire taser and environmentally built riot armour? Surely you can't object to that.
SINA-
For the last fucking time, SINA-, no, we cannot allow military-grade IPC platforms onto any of our facilities ever since your Central Processing Committee decided to start throwing lawsuits at us for failing to provide them with basic sentient rights or, in fact, a sense of self. If that wasn't enough, then we had the whole string of incidents with the Tranzor Terror, the multiple bombings on Mars, and let's not forget the devastating Bar Boycott of 2498.
For safety reasons, you get plastic, and you'll like it. And if you don't, tough shit, you aren't getting anywhere near any of our shiny shit with your shiny shit.
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16 hours ago, Jamania said:
To: NAS Trurl Public Mailing List ([email protected])
From: Dr. Z, M.D. ([email protected])
Subject: Life on the Trurl
Hail Trurl, Dr. Z here.
What's life like on the Trurl? I'm sure CentCom is aware of what it's like on the Cyberiad, so I'm curious to how things are on the other side of the Sector. Second, please clue me in on when the next round of ERT Applications open.
Kind Regards,
Dr. Z, M.D.
Greetings, Dr. Z! A complementary box of the finest chocolates our Bluespace RnD Department teleported from the chocolate factories of Sweet Tooth Inc. has been sent to your desk, courtesy of being the only person to actually give enough of a shit to ask me how I am. Keep on keepin' on, darlin'.
Anyway, life here's quite a way's better than what you call life over there; we're not really stuck somewhere that keeps being contested by a bunch of terrorist organizations, and frankly, we've got a way, way bigger budget for staff vetting, on-site security, station defensive measures and Bluespace shielding, meaning that it's actually pretty safe to work around here; Taco Tuesdays notwithstanding.
Pay's kinda shit, but I assume that's because my disciplinary folder is now the size of a medium-sized cabinet. Apart from that, most of my job involves sitting in front of multiple monitors and making sure communication lines are open. So, the usual, running routine maintenance checks on the Klapaucius, answering faxes and direct-link emergency messages, making sure we don't get impersonated by Changelings, yadayadayada. Really, the only negative of working on the Trurl is that the dress code is fucking terrible. You think I like dressing up like some tacticool edgelord?
As for the ERT Applications, those don't technically ever close, we just don't accept anyone unless we need folks to fill in for casualties; our ERT forces are expansive as it is, and we can effectively dedicate a team to each of our installations if required. So really, if you want a good shot at getting in, wait until the Cyberiad goes through an emergency that requires an ERT being called and then hope one of the bastards dies off so you can take their spot. That's how a good quarter of our ERT force got the job anyway.
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3 hours ago, Landerlow said:
### INTERNAL COMMUNICATION ###
To: Nanotrasen Special Operations Command
From: Epsilon ERT Commander, callsign 'Janitor'
Subject: Shortage of manpower
Dear NTSOP command,
This is the current situation report of the Epsilon ERT forces:
Total manpower: 200 Humans, 10 cyborgs.
Dispatched manpower: 180 humand, 3 cyborgs
Reserve manpower: 20 humans, 7 cyborgs
--
The current teams dispatched are at stations in far regions, and have the objective 'Explosive Solution', as such it's a one-way trip. The remaining manpower (see 'Reserve manpower') is VERY low. I would like to remind you to refill our ranks, I have composed a new training schedule already, that's all taken care of.
Hail Nanotrasen
Janitor
### END ###
First off, I'd appreciate it if you didn't reveal sensitive information such as CLASSIFIED ERT MISSION STATEMENTS on a public mailing list.
Secondly, I made sure to fix your problems within a few minutes of me noticing no one above my paygrade was around to fix the problem for me: any and all non-human arrivals to the Trurl will be redirected to the ERT Training Program. Hope you brushed up on your Sinta'Unathi.
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On 2/24/2019 at 2:19 AM, Tarhalindur said:
To: Mr. Jenkins
From: NAS Trurl Automated Systems
Message contents: This is to inform Mr. Jenkins that the NSS Cyberiad has somehow been nuked for the 5th time in a week. Please dispatch a repair team.
To prevent the massive loss of morale that would be caused by public exposure of this message, this computer and all computers within a 500 mile radius will explode in approximately one minute.
Thank you.
Little known fact: it's the Communications Department that dispatches and monitors automated messaging systems. We don't receive them.
Stop redirecting spam to our Department, Bill, no one's going to like you better for it.
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On 2/10/2019 at 2:40 PM, Xerdies said:
Message To: CENTRAL COMMAND
Message Sender: TOODLES
Message Title: HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND ITS ME TOODLES!
Message Body:
HELLO CENTRAL COMMAND,
Its me Toodles! I managed to sneak my way into the Internal Affairs Office and the Fax machine was still logged in. How are you guys doing over there?
I have a question of the most importance importance that it had to go straight to the Central Command! I cannot bug our Captain with this, nono.
I hope you guys are the right people to ask the question to, but if not try to answer it anyway okay?
OH before I forgot! I have to say that I think the Clown should have access to those cool new DONK Machineguns! I have no idea where they come from, can I even buy them?
I would love to buy them using some of the money I make on the uh... C
iyberYiad! Phew, hard to write that thing. Pieces of paper are so old. We should make those little drone technology more advanced and have direct communication chips in our brain! That would be c...Sorry I digress - I had this important message to all of you, and I just need to find the paperclips. Ah yes, here found them!
Can I be captain? Like... just for one or two shifts.
I would do it for free! What do you guys say?
TOODLELOO - HAVE A NICE DAY.
Hello, Toodles! Glad to know you haven't been thrown out an airlock yet (again).
Unfortunately, company policy forbids the Clown from holding a position with the slightest amount of responsibility while we're looking, and by sending this message, you made me look. Sorry about that, now we can't plausibly deny we had any knowledge of this.
As compensation, we'll send over a couple of foam force DONK Machineguns over to your last registered extant address (sorry, but the Clown Planet doesn't exist anymore, just let it go); hopefully this will help with the crippling lack of Clown Captains.
On 2/11/2019 at 10:24 PM, TheMaskedReader said:Sorry to write you again, but two more things. First off, why the hell do we allow smoking on the Cyberiad? We explicitly work with plasma!
First off, we have filtered air scrubbers. Those things are literally everywhere (as per OSHA Safety Regulation 1235512.123144). Secondly, have you not noticed the multitude of "No Smoking" signs we have splattered all over everywhere remotely related to plasma research?
Have you been ignoring the "No Smoking" signs?
On 2/11/2019 at 10:24 PM, TheMaskedReader said:Second, why do we even ALLOW civilians on-station at all beyond tours? This is a critical mining and research facility, why can tourists just come in and take a gander, allowing the Syndicate to steal valuable research and experimental materials!
Oh boy, this again.
Well, dearest Mister Warden, before we were forced to surreptitiously bury that part of company history underneath a multitude of layers of legal paperwork and a non-insignificant number of bodies, the NSS Cyberiad was once given the denomination of NCS Cyberiad, short for NanoTrasen Commercial Station. See, this was before we realized that Epsilon Eridani was a tad bit more dangerous than initially estimated, and we were forced to change the official classification (since we legally can't plop down commercial facilities anywhere that technically holds a Standard Threat Level of 5 or above. Epsilon Eridani sits at a nice 9).
However, just because we changed the classification doesn't mean we need to change any of the on-site protocols in regards to who we technically allow on the station as long as it's on Code Green, and hey, all we had to do was fund further Security forces and we were all set! And trust me, regardless of how much shit they may steal, or how much of an annoyance they may be, they pay out the ass to be on the station to begin with. Net profit is the name of the game!
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On 2/9/2019 at 3:22 AM, Threeinone said:
Hi there,
What are the clown and mime service job slots on a state-of-the-art plasma research station even for? Definitely not to boost morale. If anything, they just prove a hassle.
Sincerely, [sign]
Greetings, Mister [Sign]
Now, personally, I don't really understand why either, and if you ask me, it's just political maneuvering by NanoTrasen to avoid stepping on further toes after the unmitigated disaster that was our intervention in the Third Great Clown-Mime War (the one that ended in us burying the Throne of the Honkmother under several layers of radioactive waste following orbital bombardment). While the details were never made public, one can only guess mimes and clowns are allowed in for the sake of not provoking yet another war.
Obviously, if you ask anyone from the company what the real reason is, they'll give you some spiel about clowns and mimes just being regular folks who chose a less orthodox career in entertainment, but we all know how true that is, don't we?
On 2/9/2019 at 5:15 AM, necaladun said:Internal Office Memo:
Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins
Message Sender: A.L.I.C.E. DONOTREPLY
Message Title: Appointment Reminder
Message Body:
This is a reminder of your upcoming scheduled surgery training program, which you were randomly selected for.
You will be fulfilling the following role: Patient.
As per section 445C of your contract, attendance is mandatory.
Your surgeon-in-training will be: Steve.
###cd comp_schedules###
###cd med_schedules###
###type jenkins_med_schedule.txt###
###
###
###
Oh, goddamnit.
###cd comp_schedules###
###rmdir med_schedules###
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2 hours ago, bryanayalalugo said:
Message from: S. Shesikor.
Message to: Comms Officer Jenkins.
Message Title: Raise request (34th message)
Message Content:
Hello Sir! I was wondering if you were able to see my previous 33 messages concerning my request to ask the Accounting department about raising my pay, since they have blocked off my messages, Sir.
I know the company is a bit strapped in resources, Sir, but 3 steaks a hour is starting to not cut it out for me.
As a side note, is it true that people get paid in credits?
Thank you for your time, Sir.
Sincerely,
Skakreshss Shesikor.
I'm not the Accounting Department, and even if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't have the authorization to give anyone a raise, since I'd do that to myself and end up demoted back to, I dunno, Basic Bureaucrat Class-1 or something.
Pack of "Haggis"-brand chewing gum has been sent in the mail as compensation.
Also yes, you do get paid in the standard galactic currency that is the Space Credit.
2 hours ago, necaladun said:Internal Office Memo 3324572:
Message To: Comms Officer Jenkins:
Message Sender: Asset Protection - Novus Lem
Message Title: What the fuck happened to hyperzine
Message Body:
Jenkins, if I find you're holding out on the last hyperzine stash in the galaxy I will sell your organs to the Vox, kill you, clone you, and repeat this until they have so many organs their ships will be made out of your goddamn kidneys you understand? What the fuck happened to all the hyperzine and why are you not delivering coffee to my office anymore you better not be using company resources to chat with those shitkicker losers we quarantine from functional stations by putting them on the cyberiad. I know I know, they're the only ones impressed with your "comms officer" title, but if we wanted you to have self esteem then we would order you to rather than using one of your clones for a pinata.
I apologize profusely, Mister Lem, but as per your current status as a Class-[REDACTED] Priority Person of Interest, I am not allowed to know you exist.
In addition, even if I had a stash of hyperzine, which I don't, I would be forbidden by Galactic Mandate 35.112, "Concerning Matters of Health" from either owning, creating and/or distributing the substance known as hyperzine, which I don't, can't and don't have any of the substance to, respectively.
Finally, I should note that by contacting me via an internal office memo, you are in violation of NanoTrasen's Intra-Corporation Secrecy Protocol BTA-2112, and as such, I will be forced to send a strongly-worded letter to your supervisor, the name of which I am also not allowed to disclose that I am aware of, which I'm not.
In short: suck my dick, Novus.
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1 hour ago, TheClosetMailman said:
Hey, why hire kleptomaniac spess birds that are barely even half the height of a human?
And considering their obvious loyalty to their arkship brethren, even making them captain or other command positions?
-Sincerely, a unruly spacer with the wrong spanish name.
Company policy requires that I not answer this in accordance with my personal beliefs, so have an excerpt of the leaflet I get every time I get sent to a Species Sensitivity Seminar:
###cd useless_stuff###
###type speciesm_bollocks_leaflet.doc###
###
###
###
"We here at NanoTrasen are happy to use our vast resources to facilitate intra-species cooperation and cultural exchange, via our revolutionary Post-Progressive Employee Vetting mechanism, guaranteed to maximize both worker efficiency and species diversity in the workplace!
NanoTrasen is not liable for any racially-motivated incidents that may arise as a result of this process."
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6 hours ago, TheClosetMailman said:
Hello, i would like the nuke authorization codes, a gun and a cookie.
Sincerely- Nukie
ERT Gallia-3 dispatched to location.
Please stand by.
6 hours ago, McRamon said:*fax machine printing a message*
From: NT Representative office fax machine
To: NAS Trurl Communication office fax machine
Subject: Hello
Hey guys, it is blueshield Swarner. I had to use fax, without nt rep knowing, since the situation is kind of bad. I have to stand on bridge for hours, in front of many people staring at me, and i dont look good enough.... I need a katana on my back, you know.... Like a true warrior i am. Bluespace teleport me one please.
May the swag be with you.
Yours sincerely,
Blueshield Marcus Swarner
[Sign]
*granted stamp*
Instructions unclear, hopefully a 3D-printed pair of safety scissors should be enough? Did you lose your gun again?
6 hours ago, lizardzsi said:Hihi Jenkins!
Is Krichahka here, and is was many wondering why is not heard from Comms Officer Peggy so many time ago! Station voxxies is missing the timings when Vox Opera was blastinged through station radios and is just itching to getting claws on an autographed Peggy-mixtape.
If she is having retiringed, is it was planninged to get a "token vox employee" for diversities? Is a many efficient morale improvement with using notmany budget!
Also, speakings of budgets... Is a while since definetly-friendly-definetly-trader kin Skipjacks showed up. Any newses from that? Is really wantinged to get claws on voxxy armor, since is many comfy to wear. Don't getting voxxy wrong, the hardsuiting you provides more-or-less fitting, but is can tell that is was designinged by a treeless skrek who only sawinged a voxxy anatomy on "Vox Gone Wild" magazine.
Many thankings for answer in advance!
Krichahka
Ah, yes, Peggy.
... Peggy.
I'm ever so happy to report that, due to outstanding work ethic and general operational efficiency, dearest Comms Officer Peggy has been
reassigned away from this shitholepromoted to a position as Diplomatic Liaison with the Sol Trade Consortium. Something about wanting to capitalize on "cultural propensities for trade" or whatever. I'll make sure to relay this wonderful message and totally get an autographed mixtape from our dearest mutual friend.Also no, we're not currently hiring anyone for "diversity", we already brought a batch of
soap-munchersDrask on-board and have been having fun seeing how many of them make it through the selection process.As for the random skipjack crews that tended to show up, you are aware that the only reason they did was because they somehow managed to skirt through our defense grid, right? All it took was our Bluespace nerds getting their hands on one of their ships and reverse-engineering their engine drive to block them off from approaching our installations without proper authorization. Something about "improved filtering" tech, whatever that is.
To compensate, I've enclosed the full collection of "Vox Gone Wild" holovids in a physical flash drive and mailed it over to your registered address (Supply Closet BA-1422, right?). Hopefully it'll make up for the lack of dearest Peggy.
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15 minutes ago, Spacemanspark said:
No matter what, it appears that the inbox is now filled with these messages; several stations now demanding answers as to why Jenkins' mother is constantly pestering them with the same inquiries.
Oh, for the love o-
Sigh...
###cd emergency_measures###
###WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO FOLDER IS PUNISHABLE BY SUMMARY APPLICATION OF FORCE BY ON-SITE SECURITY FORCES. INPUT AUTHORIZATION###
###USERNAME:### ComoJayDog
###PASSWORD:### *******************************************************************************
###AUTHORIZATION GRANTED###
###run klapaucius_reset.exe###
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
###RESET SUCCESSFUL. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE###
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5 minutes ago, Spacemanspark said:
Hey Jenkins honey,
It's your mommy! How are you, sweetie? You've remembered to change your underwear every day, right? I hope you've been showering, your record shows you haven't seen a shower stall in over three months!
Have you been eating? Unit is aware you stopped eating when you went over 300 pounds, but do remember that three meals a day is very important!
How's work? How's that coworker 'Rose' doing? I know you had the biggest crush on her! Man up and ask her out already! I want grandkids!
-Jenkins mommy
===This message was broadcast throughout several NT-owned stations. The original recipient's name is unknown.===
###cd incoming_messages###
###del honeybuns.txt###
###cd incoming_messages###
###rmdir incoming_messages###
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1 hour ago, Trubus said:
O’Shaw here.
How are changelings, agents, vampires, shadowlings and other parasites get pass Central hiring process? Are they blindly ignored and setup as tests?
Or am I going to assume that NanoTrasen is wiped out entirely and that truely the Syndicate has taken over for the better?
Ah, yes. This again.
Now, before I say anything, I should note that Section 3, Sub-Section A-15 of a standard NanoTrasen work contract reads, and I quote:
"By signing this contract, [name of employee] acknowledges that possession by, or encounters of varying damage with, hostile Xenos-class organisms shall not be held against NanoTrasen. NanoTrasen does not hold itself accountable for any incident which might result in the possession, replacement, substitution or death of [name of employee] as a result of encountering a Xeno-class organism."
We figured it was easier than spending more money in screening out shit that even our Bluespace nerds can't figure out. I mean really, vampires? And shadow creatures and shit? Fuck that, it's easier to just repair the station and clone you all from the master copies.
As for the agents thing, well, to be perfectly frank, we don't continuously screen people after we hire them unless they're involved in anything above a Class-Red Authorization Level, so a bunch of lower-level employees can, and often do, slip under the cracks when it comes to Syndicate blackmail. We do screen out people with existing connections to the Syndicate, but Class-Red notwithstanding, we're not constantly looking back.
I mean really, we have better things to do.
1 hour ago, TheMaskedReader said:Dear Officer Jenkins,
Why does the Cyberiad keep having so many disease issues? Most of the diseases there are highly infectious, so it’s a real pain to deal with them. However, so many incidents is too much to be coincidence. Personally, I got my vaccine for Lycancough back in Sol, so I’d like to know why I spent a good 15 minutes choking on dog hair after spitting up a corgi.
Also, why do so many businessmen on the Cyberiad apparently lose their minds? I work Corporate Security for NT, and the number of times I’ll see some tourist or businessmen with an otherwise clean record in my brig for Assault, Damage to Station Assets, or any number of other crimes is ridiculous! Has Nanotrasen studied the crime rates around here? I have, and they are remarkably above the averages for both the system and for human space in general.
Sincerely,
Irritated Warden
Ah, yes, hello Mister Warden. We apologize for your job existing, but it's cheaper than using proper surveillance and modern jailing techniques.
As for your first question, I'm going to have to defer to something the eggheads over in Virology cooked up; I'm not a microbiologist, so I'll defer to people who claim to be.
###cd medi_shit###
###cd viro_stuff###
###type virus_viral_mutat.doc###
###
###
###cd response_shit###
Alright, so, what it says here is that the viral strains that normally plague not only the Cyberiad but also other installations with a similar number of individuals can be attributed to a few factors:
A) We routinely ship people from all around the galaxy to work together, increasing the probability that one of them might be carriers for an hitherto unknown strain of a known viral agent, and increasing the number of vectors for existing strains to mutate across. It doesn't help we also keep hiring species with substandard hygiene habits, like the goddamn
chickensVox;B) The station is constantly bombarded by radiation that is often strong enough to break through standard shielding, hence the whole rad alert thing and reinforced maintenance tunnels. Remember: radiation + time = shitty mutations;
C) Virology exists. Even our own eggheads are scared of the shit they're allowed to do
Moral of the story is: eat healthy.
As for the second one, well... to be honest, we've stopped screening for mental imbalance years ago; it's why we just give psychiatrists a cubicle that's smaller than the Janitor's closet and don't even provide for psychoactive medication. Sure, it makes crime rates shoot through the roof, but if you look at the bigger, galactic picture, it... honestly becomes cheaper to just let that happen rather than going through the hoops of ensuring mental well-being. I mean really, why do you think we give you so many cells to work with? It ain't for decoration!
So, keep on keeping on, brig those fuckers, knock 'em on the ass a couple of times, and call it a day. Make sure to flag them on the records too, so we know who to assign to Janitorial duty.
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5 minutes ago, PhantasmicDream said:
We're interested knowing more about the strange disturbances that have
been happening more frequently on station, is there something about
the NSS Cyberiad that just draws all this attention?
Is there any way to reduce these "disturbances"?
Sincerely,
The Anonymous Lurker in Maintenance
A wonderful question, Mister Maintenance. Or is it Mister "in Maintenance"? Mister Lurker? Ah, who cares.
Now, before I answer that, I'm afraid I need to check if I can answer that. You see, even though company policy says I'm not supposed to be privy to a whole bunch of information that regularly flows through my workstation's console, I can't help but be a sneaky bugger and nose around places I shouldn't. Brennan's been more than happy to ignore it, so long as I don't divulge anything I'm not technically supposed to, so uh...
###cd auth_lvl###
###type danger_cyb_auth.txt###
###
###
###cd response_shit###
Alright, so, according to what I'm technically allowed to say, as far as the Board of Directors is aware, there is no known reason why the NSS Cyberiad keeps being targeted by all these "strange disturbances", which I can only assume are all the Syndicate agents you keep getting infested with, or the nerds over at the SWF. As far as anyone can tell, it's probably because:
A) It's our newest, shiniest station and these people are petty assholes;
B) Epsilon Eridani is... let's say "contested" territory and somewhat difficult to keep fully controlled. Hence why so many of you keep showing up to work with the loaded gun of Syndicate blackmail pointed at their head
Such is life when you try to slowly take over the galaxy by buying people out, it tends to generate enemies both reasonable and eldricht. This is why our insurance premiums have been going through the fucking roof in the past standard years.
Unless, of course, you're talking about the random anomalies you keep experiencing, of the gravitic or pyroclastic variety, among others; those are because we deliberately put the station in an orbit that would make it pass through multiple, prearranged pockets of Bluespace distortions, in order to, uh... it says here "facilitate the endeavors of the on-board research team".
Sorry about that, I guess?
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###INPUT AUTHORIZATION###
###USERNAME:### ComoJayDog
###PASSWORD:### *******************************************************************************
###PROCESSING...###
###AUTHORIZATION GRANTED. WELCOME, COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER ROBERT D. JENKINS###
###AWAITING INPUT###
###
###
###
###run announce_cyb.exe###
###WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE PUNISHABLE BY DISCIPLINARY ACTION. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?###
###Y###
###CONFIRMED. PLEASE INPUT MESSAGE###
Hail Cyberiad, this is the Trurl here, Comms Officer Jenkins speaking.
Following the disastrous attempts at improving workplace morale via the use of mutated teddy bears animated with the latest in Bluespace technology (apologies, Captain Samuels, you'll be well remembered), the NanoTrasen Board of Directors has opted for a more... subtle method of appearing
marketableapproachable, and to improve general crew morale, along with... whatever "Workplace Inter-Cooperation and Teamwork Doubleplusgood" is. Pretty sure that last one's not a word.In following with company tradition of not really wanting to waste a lot of money in things deemed "Class-3 Non-Essential Company Initiatives", they dumped the job onto me, and I frankly can't be bothered either, so when they told me to come up with something, I, being the well-beloved and attentive curator of the Cyberiad's airwaves that I am, decided to, I dunno, open a direct mailbox thing? Ask me shit and I'll spill company secrets because I'm bored.
Just don't ask me anything about the non-existent Deathsquads, I'm not allowed to talk about those anymore.
End communication.
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Cyberiad in (Modded) Minecraft
in Other Entertainment
Posted
I cannot imagine what unholy, eldritch power led you to do this. Let this serve as a monument to the hubris of Humanity, not content with merely breaking the bonds of sanity in one realm and needing to spread it to others.
It is nothing more than madness, a watchful moment through the looking glass beyond the plane where mortal minds were meant to tread. And yet, it is beautiful in its own, unique way; a symphony of constructive, building insanity.
It is nothing short of heretical. And this is why we deserve it.
Praise be.